twixie blog on Absolute Radio

Locked Out!

twixie — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:32:00 +0100

Dear All,

Well, I guess it was too good to be true :-(

I have been locked out of AR again, though thanks to the wizardry of, er, James, I am able to leave a blog here to explain my absence!!

I hope to be back on soon, but in the meanwhile, try not to miss me too much ;-)

Love and hugs to you all

Twixie xxxxxx

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=QRrU-tG9uZw

WHY iS it..............??????

twixie — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:24:00 +0100

VIPs, can any of you wise and wonderful people tell me why it is that as soon as you have booked to see a band you really want to see (Kaiser Chiefs), another band that you really, really want to see (Depeche Mode) announces their tour!!!!!

Don't they understand that these are hard times and we can't afford to do both?

Sulking... :-(

Ta Daaaaa

twixie — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:56:00 +0100

I wouldn't normally quote Eminem but 'Guess who's back!"

I have missed you guys and just thought I'd have a go at getting on here as the website name was changed and what do you know? I made it!

Sorry ladies, but I am reclaiming Mr Hugh Jackman all for my own - but thanks so much for looking after him and stopping him from going rusty what with all that sea water.... not to mention pruning and shrinkage which have to be monitored of course. I trust there has not been too much wear and tear and increased mileage!! ;-)

Anyway 'it's good to be back to quote G....' oh dear, well anyway catch you soon!! love and hugs to all who have missed me - and if you didn't - well why ever not? ;-) xxxx

Dear friends and passers by ...

twixie — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:27:00 +0100

A sad day has come in that I can no longer visit VR from work. As I still have dial up at home, this means that VR is off the menu for the time being. I hope to find a way round it, but in the meantime I will really miss you all. If anyone wants to contact me, you can do so via James (ELObsessive) who can pass any messages to me (assuming he doesn't mind doing so!)* Hope to be back some time soon. Love and hugs to you all and snuggles for my boys (you know who you are) :-( xxxxxxx

*Of course I don't - providing they are indecent massages, of course ;-)

PS: If anyone would like to send Twixie their greetings by commenting on this blog, I'll pass them on to her - James

Your moral character revealed!!

twixie — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 09:04:00 +0100

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Give an honest answer!!

THE SITUATION:
You are in England, York to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

;-)

Perfect Shoes!!!!!!

twixie — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:43:00 +0100

Ladies (and gents if that's your thing)!

Why is it that when you are not looking for shoes, you can see loads and loads of pairs that you like, but once you have something in mind for a special occasion you are thwarted at every turn!!

I have a summer ball to attend on 28th August - so far I have found 2 perfect pairs of gorgeous and not TOO expensive turquoise sandals to match my dress - and guess what? Yup, they have all sizes in stock except mine.

I guess you gotta have FAITH as George Michael once said, but it's so hard when things just unRAVEL around you when all you want is to CHOOse a NEW LOOK, so now I am sulking in the OFFICE with the other CLARKS until we get SCHUed out and sent home.

Boo hoo :-(

What a Day!!!!!!! :-(

twixie — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:32:00 +0100

Hi All,

I have had the day from hell at work and am now going off on a well earned long weekend!! Sorry to those of you who have shouted me today, I didn't get a chance to get on here and reply, but hopefully i'll be back next Tuesday.

Meanwhile - have a great weekend yourselves!! xxxxxx

Absent Friends

twixie — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:47:00 +0100

Dear All,

I was just thinking about our dear VIP friend James (ELObsessive for those of you who are not one of his BOBs). He is having a relaxing break from us all, and it reminded me of the song by Everything But The Girl - Missing (as I am missing him).

What's your favourite song about missing someone?

One Hit Wonders

twixie — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:28:00 +0100

Hi all!!!

I was thinking about some songs I love by artists who proceeded to disappear without trace - so they will never have forums on here!!

Some favourites of mine from the 80s would be

Animotion - Obsession

Swansway - Soultrain

Blue Zoo - Cry Boy Cry

Marilyn - Calling Your Name

So come on, let's hear what your favourites are - I don't care how embarrassing they are - just go for it!!!!! After all, I have admitted to Marilyn - worse still I even fancied him for a bit!!! (The shame...)

thinking for tuesday

twixie — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:35:00 +0100

Hi VIPs

I have a recommendation for you - one of my work colleagues is the singer in a band called Thinking For Tuesday. She has a great voice! Check them out on myspace (if it is not blocked like it is where I work!).

They are great and worth seeing if you like melodic rock. If anyone can help out by posting a link to myspace below then that would be fantastic!!

Have any of you seen them and if so what did you think? They have gigged recently at Portsmouth and Windsor.

Viz Top Tips 3 - Not for the easily offended

twixie — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:18:00 +0000

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Top Shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

Viz Top Tips 2 - not for the easily offended!

twixie — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 10:16:00 +0000

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Viz Top Tips - not for the easily offended!

twixie — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:14:00 +0000

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

TAXI/BMW drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

OLD rigid contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their bear

Byeeeeee........ for now xxx

twixie — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 12:33:00 +0000

Hiya - I just wanted you to know that I will be away next week and the following Monday and Tuesday, so you won't hear from me, normal service will hopefully be resumed on 12th March!!

Come now, no tears!! ;-0 xxx

TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND VISITORS

twixie — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:02:00 +0000

Hi everyone, as you may well know, I am only ever on here during work hours. My PC at home is way too slow to look at VR - it would drive me mad(der!). ;-)

I am just preparing for an office move - so I promise I am not ignoring you all - just have a very limited time to look on here most days. Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon, but meanwhile I miss you all and love reading your shouts - just don't necessarily expect a reply at the moment!! I am replying as much as I can!!

lots of love Twixie who is disappearing behind a pile of packed boxes!!!! :-) xxxxxx