steve_one blog on Absolute Radio

Crimbo on the way!

steve_one — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 08:59:00 +0100

Homemade Xmas puds are in the offing, full of loadsa alcohol and better than the supermarket stodge that's on offer. Place your orders to avoid disappointment!

Morning VIP Bloggers!

steve_one — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 08:27:00 +0100

Been away from here way to long and glad to be back!

Joke (some long serving VIP's may have heard this one already)

steve_one — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 10:35:00 +0100

Bloke shaggin his wife says bend over and we'll try the Social Security position. "What the f**k is that"? she asks. When my balls touch yer arse yer gettin full benefit!

Joke

steve_one — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 10:18:00 +0100

Irish guy driving his car home bat faced, suddenly he swerves to avoid a tree, then another and another. This is spotted by the cops who pull him over as he swerves all over the road. Paddy tells the cops all about the trees and the cop say F**k sake Paddy thats your Air Freshener!

Joke

steve_one — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 10:11:00 +0100

Ireland's worst disaster struck today when a two seater plane crashed into a cemetary. rescue workers have recovered 350 bodies but as yet no survivors. Digging continues!

Hi Guys I'm Back ! (Not always a good thing).

steve_one — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 11:41:00 +0100

But heres a joke anyway, sorry ladies no offence meant.....

Woman gets naked an lays on the bed in front of her husband and says "what turns you on the most? my beautiful face or my stunning body?" the husband replies, your F**king sense of humour!

Wild Rover (New Verse)

steve_one — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:36:00 +0100

You have to sing this!

I went to the theatre to see uncle Jim

The audience were throwing tomatoes at him

Tomatoes dont hurt me he said with a grin

But those fuckers did they were still in the tin!

List of Tommy Cooperisms (Enjoy!)

steve_one — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:23:00 +0100

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"? I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said, "You're closest."

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, "Eurostar?" I said, "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

I went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." And he said, "Dont do that then". I said, "I want a second opinion". He said, "You're ugly as well."

My Activities

steve_one — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 08:11:00 +0100

Why oh why have VR f**ked around with the website set up? All very confusing indeed as I cant find sod all without searching for half an hour!

Joke

steve_one — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 07:46:00 +0100

Man buys a talking centipede and takes it home.

After a while he says to the centipede "I'm off down the pub for a pint do you want to come?" he gets no reply so he asks again and still no response.

Feeling that he has been ripped off he shouts this time, I'M OFF DOWN THE PUB FOR A PINT DO YOU WANT TO COME?"

The centipede finally replies, "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my F**king shoes on!!"

Good Morning

steve_one — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 09:42:00 +0100

To all my fellow blogsters! Aint it great to be alive........

IoW Festival

steve_one — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:22:00 +0100

So all you lucky buggers who got the freebie tickets to the Isle of Wight festival I assume you all had a great weekend getting rocked out and smashed at the same time! Seen a few clips on the tele and did not envy you one little bit (Not!)

Joke

steve_one — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:10:00 +0100

Had a crash on the way to work this morning. Hit a car up the arse and the fella got out and he was a dwarf! He walks up to me and says "I'm not f**king happy" So I said well which f**king one are you then?

Mid Week Joke!

steve_one — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:45:00 +0100

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? "£124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

Joke

steve_one — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 22:12:00 +0100

Chief Rabbi at the local synagog receives a letter from revenue and custome informing him that their auditor will arrive the following day.

And surely the next day the auditor arrives and commences his inspection. He comes across a box of candles and enquires why it does not match the description on his list, well says the Rabbi when the candles burn down we return the residue to the candle maker and he sends us back a complete new set of candles!

Fine says the auditor a little pissed off. A minute later he come across a box of communion bread wafers and again asks why they do not match what he has on his list. well says the Rabbi, like the candles we pick up the crumbs from those wafers that are issued at communion and send them to the local baker and he sends us back a complete new box of wafers.

Fine again says the auditor getting more pissed off. Finally he thinks to himself, 'I've got him now'! Right them Rabbi, he asks, circumcisions, you carry those out dont you? Well of course we do its part of our religion. Well then what exactly do you do with the residue foreskins may I ask? well you see we send them to the Revenue & Customs office and they send us back a complete Prick!