shadowmaker blog on Absolute Radio

an angel joins the angels,

shadowmaker — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:39:00 +0100

joke, ( rude ) 18's and overs.

shadowmaker — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:18:00 +0100

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

shout from the rockangle

shadowmaker — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 12:42:00 +0100

Headliners Def Leppard plus Whitesnake and ZZ Top are among the acts set to close this year's Download festival tonight (June 14).

The bands will be joined by the likes of Papa Roach, Stone Gods and Pulled Apart By Horses on the final day of the Donington metal bash.

Trivium are set to headline the Second Stage after Papa Roach, while Go:Audio will head-up the Tuborg Stage, playing after Therapy and Steel Panther.

and her tent is to small hahaha

oldie but goodie.

shadowmaker — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 16:25:00 +0100

Request By The Penis

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations

for all ladies, from all the guys.

shadowmaker — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:18:00 +0100

To the girl whose beauty is present in all seasons
I tell you why you are beautiful, here are the reasons:

Your beauty extends into the heavens,
it goes on forever and never lessens.
Even when the clouds heighten
you are here and the world brightens.
You are like a fruit that constantly ripens
your beauty continues to grow no mater what happens.

My fondness for you constantly deepens
because every time I see you my heart starts to weaken.
You make everything else appear hollow
where ever you are loveliness is sure to follow.
You shine so bright you cast your own shadow
a beauty that others would love to borrow.
But try as they might your beauty they will never catch
because something like you they could never match.

Your beauty seems to increase with every breathe
it tests the limits my imagination can stretch.
It makes me question if what I am seeing is real
I only know it is true by the way that I feel.
Your beauty is so vast it can't be concealed
there is no hiding it your beauty is always revealed.

The power of your beauty is the world's greatest gift
the heaviest boulder it could easily lift.
A girl this perfect I never knew
all that changed the moment I met you.
Heaven on Earth I was not aware
until I met a girl that was crafted with such care.
You would be the answer to a prayer
if someone asked for something rare with beauty to spare.

If I had a choice I would choose this girl over air
for air can't compare to a girl not found elsewhere.
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A man with oxygen mask

shadowmaker — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:17:00 +0100

window.google_render_ad();
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

shadowmaker — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:41:00 +0100

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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a treat from 1till 5

shadowmaker — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 14:09:00 +0100

good afternoon vip's, we have leona again, fan-bloody-tastic i say, great to have a lady of her talent filling in, but i have a question ? is russ sick ? if he is, i wish him well, perhaps we should send a quick getwell from all us vips,

paul.

leona rocks.

shadowmaker — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 22:04:00 +0100

wow !!! leona's clasic rock party is the best show on absolute, kick arse music and a vioce to make any guy melt, and with a webcam, the singal hottest woman on radio, we had a the volume up, a shed load of beer, and were dancing in the garden, when the the people three doors down opened their windows and low and behold, they were partying also, made me wonder just how many clasic partys around the country were happning ??

saterday love and tickles guys, paul x

UCLA's Department of Psychiatry

shadowmaker — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:02:00 +0100

UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face
a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her
menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat
jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

mazzys birthday.

shadowmaker — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:25:00 +0000

good morning all vip's, just wanted to let you know it's birthday time for one of the kindest and sweetest ladies i have ever met, i good friend to all, mazzymagic, so would ask you all to pay her a visit and leave her a birthday wish/greeting, love ya big time mazzy, may all your wishes come true, paul xxxxxx

thank you all.

should have saved this for humpday.

shadowmaker — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:31:00 +0000

One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"

help !!!

shadowmaker — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:54:00 +0000

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?

sometimes you get what you ask for !

shadowmaker — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:44:00 +0000

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"

thursday quickie.

shadowmaker — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 11:23:00 +0000

At a local college, there was a dance.

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."