sbourassa blog on Absolute Radio

A Little Prayer

sbourassa — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 09:09:48 +0000

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Amen!

Bacon Sarnie's!

sbourassa — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 09:26:56 +0000

Just made bacon Sarnie's How many more should I make??

Joke

sbourassa — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:41:46 +0000

Baby

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Beware Beans!!

sbourassa — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:34:23 +0000

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, SURPRISE!!! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Night All

sbourassa — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:07:42 +0000

I guess It's Goodnight From everyone Love To All XXXXXXX

Hello How's everyone here at VR

sbourassa — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:28:05 +0000

I just got back from work although I normally finish at 4.30pm But due to a larger than normal workload this week I'll be lucky toi finish at normal time! Well never mind.

Morning All

sbourassa — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:10:56 +0000

I'm going to be really busy at work today but I'll pop in when I can!!!

Thank You

sbourassa — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 02:08:25 +0000

Just thought i'd say thanks for keeping me amused for the past 2 hours everyone! I think that i've been awake for long enough now have a lovely evening and a great weekend! I may catch up later today as it is now SATURDAY! LOL

Anybody there?????

sbourassa — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 00:02:15 +0000

The last blog was over 40mins ago am I the last one here tonight?

Have you ever...

sbourassa — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:43:27 +0000

Bought someone something you really regret?

2 Years ago I bought a Raindeer that when touched sang I wish you a merry christmas. My son has rediscovered this and keeps setting traps for everyone which sets this B thing off.

NEVER again!

Just a quick Joke!

sbourassa — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 08:23:19 +0000

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Australian Court Case

sbourassa — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 19:07:20 +0000

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Embarrassing Situations!

sbourassa — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:57:23 +0000

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Erm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a university student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs "What do you mean, 200 Quid!?"

Another Joke

sbourassa — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:27:03 +0000

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Joke A wee bit rude!

sbourassa — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:43:19 +0000

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, s exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). Anything?" he asked. Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .. then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said.......... ." Hello. Mom, can you hear me?