satanic_elmo blog on Absolute Radio

Thames Water imposes hosepipe ban

satanic_elmo — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 11:56:00 +0100

Thames Valley, UK - (Ass Mess): As South East England drinking water supplies trickled to an all-time low today Thames Water has vowed to impose a hosepipe ban to avert a predicted national disaster.

"What we are experiencing at the moment is yet another aspect of drought," a Thames source said today.

"Three consecutive dry summers have been followed by the disaster we all knew would happen.

"We blame selfish gardeners who are at the heart of the problem.

"So from midnight tonight we will be taking drastic action and imposing a hosepipe ban.

"Anybody caught watering their gardens, washing cars, windows, patios ect will be severely dealt with.

"Andbody caught hoarding water will be repatriated to the Warwickshire/Gloucestershire/Oxfordshire triangle and left there to rot.

"We have a statutory duty to our shareholders and during times such as these that means getting tough with the hard core abusers of the system."

Other water companies are meeting with the industry regulator Ofwat and will issue a policy statement later this week.

Paris Hilton planning new sex tape

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:33:00 +0100

Hollywood,Ca. (Ass Mess) - Party girl Paris Hilton has announced today that she is planning a new sex tape.

Hilton who was recently released from jail and trying to figure out what to do with her life has stated recently that she would consider making another sex tape.

In an interview today she said: "Seeing as the the first tape was so popular I think it would be a good idea to release a sequel, my fans are so loyal and I am really only doing this for them."

Auditions are being held to find the right person for the second lead role and all of Hollywood's finest actors are lining up in hopes of getting this role.

Iran unveils 'Penis of Allah'

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:31:00 +0100

TEHRAN-- Iran's minister of defense is reporting that the Islamic Republic of Iran will soon unveil its new homemade fighter jet known as "Azarakhsh," -- loosely translated as "Penis of Allah".

Iranian General Mustafa Najar stated that the government of Iran was seeking to demonstrate to the world by its military and defense improvements that Iran is no longer willing to be thought of as 7th century barbarians swinging swords and riding camels.

"Soon the Penis of Allah, will fly into and penetrate the western capitalist nations whom we despise and envy so much," Najar said. "We are also hoping that now we can hold our heads up at the U.N. meetings because we too have a great tool of destruction."

Najar also said that Iran was expecting to unveil a new national helicopter tentatively called the "Balls of Allah".

"Where the Fighter jet will provide the thrust and power to penetrate, the new helicopter will carry the load of our infinitely holy military might to infidels everywhere within its range," Najar said. "Both aircraft will run on a new Iranian developed fuel called the blood of martyrs created in a joint effort between our scientists and our most holy mullahs. With these new and great infallible weapons the world will not dare to chastise us for our irrational tantrums ever again."

New Bible uncovered - could outsell Harry Potter

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:30:00 +0100

A church jumble sale revealed a first edition copy of the bible, it was discovered today.

Ella Clee, of Warmington-on-Sea, said that she found the book inside a box of other romantic stories by Steven King and James Herbert.

"It was a dusty old fing, 'and-written, with sand in the binder. Didn't fink much of it at first, but my lad Jimmy said that we should take it dahn the pawn see if we can get owt for it." She said.

The eagle-eyed pawnbroker, Bill "Balls" Haddem, spotted the book's value straight away. "I offered her a tenner, at first, thought it was one of them dodgy Russian Icons she keeps bringing in. But on closer inspection, I thought, well, she's on to something here, and told her to give the museum a bell, see if they've lost it. Stuff like that always turning up here, bloody tea-leafs. I didn't wanna touch it, case it were hot."

Ella takes up the story, "Well, I 'ad no credit on me mobile, see, so I gets the bus dahn the market, went to see old Blagger 'oo as this stall, see, an' 'e lent us a cock 'an 'en on the strength of it, all the same. Then, soon as me back is turned, ee's on the phone to this museum geezer 'oos over a bit sharpish, like. Well, I watched it all from the caff over the road, Hammy, does a loverly cup o' char, anyway, this museum guy 'as 'is wallet out quick as you like, an' out come the readies. Well, I shot over there, 'an grabbed it back. No-one's gonna see me for a mug, that's for sure. I told 'im, I said right, if you want it, it's gonna be thirty quid, no less. Well, this bloke were proper shocked, I could tell. But 'ee paid up all friendly, like."

Hugh Ponsonby-Smythe, of the British museum, said that the book was undergoing tests, but it looked genuine enough. "Some of the spelling is a little crude, but you would expect that from ancient scribes. My only worry is that the Book Of Genesis talks of a "Big Bang" rather than God and the seven days story, and that Jesus isn't mentioned at all. This could put some religions into a bit of a conflict."

Navy sends submarines to search for flood victims

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:29:00 +0100

Gloucestershire - (Rotters): The Navy has sent two nuclear-powered submarines to the flood-stricken counties bordering Gloucestershire after all other efforts to find survivors failed.

MHS Panic-Stricken and HMS Noah were despatched from Portsmouth and made their way up the Avon and Severn rivers before reportedly becoming lost in a former wheat field now under two hundred fathoms of water.

The Navy said today that the sub captains were doing everything possible to locate missing local residents but had been hampered by the presence of what eventually turned out to be a Russian submarine on a possible espionage mission.

"How it got there is a mystery," an Admiralty spokesman said today.

"We are working on a theory that it may have come up the Bristol Channel during the cold war and stayed deliberately in our freshwater areas ever since rather than return back to Vladivostok.

"It's a bit of an old banger and needs towing back to port. But all that will have to wait until we locate and rescue Prince Charles's Gloucester Old Spots which have been sighted on an island in the middle of what used to be the M4."

There has been no comment as yet from Vladimir Putin.

Chav Famine Threatens Gloucestershire

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:27:00 +0100

Following the mass floods seen in parts of Gloucestershire new fears of a mass famine affecting chavs across the county have come to light.

The floods have caused the cessation of water supplies to numerous fast food chains such as Burger King, KFC and chav favourite McDonald's leading to closure of these stores in Gloucester, Tewksbury and Cheltenham.

Gloucestershire County Council has expressed concerns that the closure of these stores could lead to a chav famine as they rely on these stores to provide them with their meals. So far 17 chavs are known to have been admitted to hospital suffering from starvation and 7 chav single mums have contacted local emergency services worried about what they were going to feed their overweight babies.

There are also concerns that a large number of chavs may begin to suffer from fat and sugar withdrawal symptoms which include swollen heads, cigarette eating and spontaneous combustion.

Local Chavs Britney and Dwayne Spooner said "Like we're not worried yeah, cos yeah, we still got our microwave and our Damian says that microwave meals are way better than all those fancy restaurants in London so they must be good ain't they, and he should know cos he's a taxi driver there ain't he, d'ya know what I mean"

Duncan Fisher a member of Gloucestershire council stated that "We at the council are extremely concerned over the state of our chavs and we are in the process of rushing high saturated fatty foods into the area. We are very concerned that we have had a number of reports of chavy single mums forcing their babies to smoke to reduce their appetites which is a really bad situation to be in and we hope to rectify the situation in the near future".

Lost dog kills 2,000 by farting

satanic_elmo — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 10:25:00 +0100

SYDNEY, Australia - A dog that vanished two months ago has been found to have killed 2,000 by farting, media reported Wednesday.

"I can't believe my dog has gas," Sherry Lowery, who has made several appeals in local media for her pet's return, told Australian Associated Press. "It just goes to show that feeding the dog beans is bad for everyone!"

How Rusty, an 8-year-old poodle-Maltese mix, killed people by farting remains a mystery, although the condition of Rusty's arse suggests the dog did not explode.

Rusty disappeared in May while Lowery was inside a shop in the east coast town of Woy Soy, located 25 miles north of Sydney

BBC Glasto hospitality cost £68k

satanic_elmo — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:42:00 +0100

The BBC spent £68,000 on corporate hospitality during its three-day coverage of the Glastonbury music festival.

The sum - equivalent to the cost of 501 colour TV licences - covers costs such as the tickets for 230 guests and the running of a specially constructed BBC marquee.

The BBC said most of the food and drink budget for its two evening receptions at the festival was covered by sponsors, including Covent Garden members' club The Hospital and cosmetics company Mac.

In a statement, responding to a request under the Freedom of Information Act, the BBC said that "sponsors were able to invite a limited number of guests, but did not receive programming credits or editorial input".

The corporation also said it operated a pay bar for the 2,000 people who used its hospitality facilities over the course of the weekend.

"Glastonbury is the biggest popular music event for the BBC, and we cover it exclusively on many of our outlets," the BBC's statement added. "We also use the festival to strengthen relationships with a wide range of people we work with throughout the year.

"The BBC's guests received modest hospitality, including tickets and evening receptions on Friday and Saturday."

Channel 4 joins Emap in musicTV

satanic_elmo — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 12:32:00 +0100

Channel 4 is teaming up with Emap, the magazine publisher behind Heat, Smash Hits and Q, in a bid to become the “formidable force” in music television in the UK.

The two companies have signed a joint venture to explore dozens of initiatives, such as new digital TV channels and video on-demand.

Emap moved into music TV just over a decade ago when it bought Box Television for £6 million.

It now has seven music channels on digital TV platforms such as Freeview, including The Box, Magic, Kerrang! and The Hits, the market leader.

Channel 4 has already branched out into the wider music market by using its T4 teen brand to run a series of T4 on the Beach summer music festivals.

Under today’s deal Channel 4 is buying a 50 per cent share of Box Television for £28 million.

An additional £4 million will be paid depending on the success of the joint venture over the next three years.

The two companies have already worked together in 4 Digital, the Channel 4-led consortium that was recently awarded the UK’s second nationwide digital radio licence.

Under the new licence, Emap plans to launch a digital radio station based on Closer, the company’s celebrity gossip magazine.

Industry experts believe that despite the huge growth of digital music in recent years, there are still major opportunities to expand in both the music TV and mobile phone markets.

The global market for full track music downloads on mobile phones is expected to hit nearly £1 billion by 2011.

Paul Keenan, chief executive of Emap Consumer Media, said today: “This alliance between Emap and Channel 4 will enable us to increase our music brands’ presence on new and emerging platforms.

“Emap and Channel 4 are likeminded partners and together we make a formidable force in an otherwise fragmenting and challenging market.”

LIVE EARTH-the rip off continues

satanic_elmo — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 14:48:00 +0100

http://www.themerchandisingshop.co.uk/shop/liveearth/index.php

Live Earth Belt ( Made from fire brigade hose )
LE19
Unisex

£24.99

OZZFEST review

satanic_elmo — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:07:00 +0100

Since rock n' roll is the devil's music it was only fitting that it was hotter than hell at the Gorge Amphitheatre for the second stop of the 2007 edition of Ozzfest.

While the temperatures reached the upper 90s, making it plenty hot for the crowd, the fans had it easy compared to how hot the members of Taiwanese band Chthonic must have felt. Dressed up in black and white face paint and lots of black leather with spiky metal studs, the group looked like the Asian detachment of the Kiss army when they took to the second stage at 12:45 in thh afternoon. Chthonic's set began with a snarling roar from vocalist, Freddy the Left Face of Maradou (yes, that's his name), that sounded like a cat coughing up a hairball. It was the first of countless guttural growls of the day.

Are free CDs killing music?

satanic_elmo — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 09:46:00 +0100

Prince has sparked an outcry by giving away his new album in the Mail on Sunday. Many weekend newspapers are now sold with a CD or film enclosed. Forget downloads, are free CDs killing music?

Freebies fill the newspaper and magazine racks in such abundance it's possible to get kitted out for the summer on this week's pickings.

As well as the usual array of DVDs and CDs, there are sunglasses, flip-flops, "designer bangles" and for those looking for a change of image, a superhero Thing face mask.

The giveaway, or covermount as it is known in the trade, is now big business, but on Sunday the market experiences a fresh twist.

Nestling under cellophane wrapped around the Mail on Sunday, Prince's Planet Earth CD will become the first new studio album to be given away.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6897178.stm

Music retailer fights CD downturn

satanic_elmo — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 09:38:00 +0100

It used to be the loading bay of a brewery in London's East End. But by the time you read this, it should have been transformed into the UK's newest and bravest - or some might say, most foolhardy - record shop. Giant album covers hide the building work going on inside At a time when CD price wars and music downloads are putting entire High Street chains at risk, independent retailers Rough Trade are opening what they say is the country's biggest music-only specialist store. If all goes according to plan, the 5,000 sq-ft Rough Trade East on Dray Walk, just off Brick Lane, will start trading on Friday, 20 July. But just a few days before the scheduled opening, the only sight to quicken the pulse of music fans is the giant album covers that block out the shopfront, keeping prying eyes at bay. Inside, actual records are nowhere to be seen, as construction workers run around trying to make an impression on a cavernous space that still betrays its industrial origins. Stephen Godfroy, director of Rough Trade Retail, is unfazed by the disarray. "We'll definitely be opening on Friday," he says. "I'm not sure what time on Friday, but we'll be open." Punk past The new store represents a huge leap of faith for a company that forged its reputation in the white heat of the punk years. Builders are striving to meet their Friday deadline The first Rough Trade shop opened in Notting Hill, west London, in 1976, and soon became known as one of the best places to find new wave music and fanzines. A record label of the same name followed, but the two businesses went their separate ways in 1982 and are now run independently of each other. Mr Godfroy was just three years old when the Rough Trade saga began, and has nothing in common with the "hippie co-operative" image that has always plagued the firm in the music business. Despite the company's niche reputation, he feels it can fulfil what he sees as the "enormous demand" for a shop that offers expertise and can recommend music with authority - and he doesn't think downloads are killing the CD. "With this store, we feel there's a dormant music shopper out there who's not buying music from the High Street simply because they don't like High Street retailers, not because they've gone off physical formats," he says. We look forward to kicking people out at the end of the day Stephen Godfroy, Rough Trade Retail "If anything, the people I talk to appreciate vinyl and CDs more than ever in this digital age. It's just that they've gone off the way it's sold. "The High Street has, unfortunately, commoditised music. When you walk into a High Street record, or entertainment, store, it's about three-for-two and the price message is what hits you. "And if you're interested in music, it's quite a demeaning, quite demoralising message to hit you." 'Personal retail' Halfway across London, Rough Trade's second store, which opened 20 years ago in Covent Garden, is closing to make way for the new East End venture. Staff are to be transferred from the old to the new premises. They are uncertain about when the Covent Garden shop, in a cramped and dimly-lit basement beneath a skateboarders' shop, will shut down. But they seem to welcome the prospect of moving to a bigger place. Rough Trade's Covent Garden shop is having a closing-down sale "We've always been tucked away in here," says one. "And the rents have gone up hugely. There are empty shops now in Covent Garden for the first time in five years." He leafs through a copy of that day's Independent newspaper and finds yet another article about the death of the record shop. "It's part of wider changes in the whole music industry," he says. "We used to have hundreds of record company reps pestering us. Now there's only 20 or 30 in the whole of London." A customer comes in and asks if Rough Trade's mail-order service will deliver to Colombia, where he now lives. "We deliver pretty much everywhere," is the response, and an amiable chat ensues about the quality of record shops in Colombia. Back in the East End, Mr Godfroy is impressed to hear about the exchange. "That's an interesting thing because it's not just what you talk about, it's what you overhear, and I think that's an unreported delight in physical retail," he says. "That's what makes shopping in a store like this very special - it's personal retail." Counter culture Rough Trade East is 10 times the size of the store it is replacing, and Mr Godfroy knows his more purist customers will be quick to seize on any sign that the firm has lost its integrity. But the solution, as he puts it, is about maintaining what he calls the "counter culture" in the new, larger environment. Rough Trade East is on part of the old Truman brewery site "Rough Trade Retail is all about the counter, the relationship we have with customers over the counter and the way customers then relate to us," he says. "Customers recommend to us as much as we recommend to them and it's that symbiotic relationship that we have over the counter where they're not merely paypoints. "You actually come up and you have a chat and you actually get to know the name of your customer and they get to know the name of the staff and there's that familiarity and there's that relationship built up." To that end, the new store will feature two long counters, across which Mr Godfroy hopes this kind of social interaction will take place. Other features will include a state-of-the-art sound system, free wi-fi, a "snug" and a stage for bands to play live, as well as late opening hours and activities such as Saturday-morning badge-making workshops. "We look forward to kicking people out at the end of the day," he says. "That's what it's all about. If you've got a passion for music, you want somewhere to display that and feel comfortable. "In terms of a retail environment, it's offering the joy of browsing back to many people, where you want to go into a store and you can see yourself losing track of time, and that's a joy that has been lost on the High Street." http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6903052.stm

Nintendo withdraws game that taunts 'spastics'

satanic_elmo — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 14:57:00 +0100

Nintendo has been forced to withdraw a computer game from sale in the UK because it contains the word 'spastic' in its script.

Mario Party 8, a multi-player game for the Wii console, went on sale in the UK on Friday but was taken off the shelves after the mistake was discovered.

In the game, designed to be played by groups at parties, a blue wizard called Kamek appears on screen and intones: "Magikoopa Magic! Turn the train, spastic! Make this ticket tragic!"

Nintendo said in a statement: "Unfortunately we have discovered that a small number of games contain the wrong version of the disk due to an assembly error. We have therefore decided to recall all copies of the game from UK retailers so that this mistake can be corrected."

It is the second time in as many weeks that a Nintendo game has been withdrawn for including the word 'spastic'.

Earlier this month, MindQuiz, a 'brain-training' game made for the Nintendo DS by the French company Ubisoft, was pulled because it branded players who achieved low scores 'spastics' and 'super-spastics'.

Games experts said that computer game translation – like film dubbing – was prone to errors because translation services often did not take account of the meaning of words in particular cultures.

Nintendo said that Mario Party 8 was developed in the US, "where the word does not have the same offensive connotations as in the UK." The inconsistency was not identified early enough when the title was produced for the UK, the company said, and as a result, 2 per cent of the first batch shipped to the UK contained the American wording.

Andrew Rickell, executive director of Scope, the disability charity, praised Nintendo for withdrawing the game, but said that games manufacturers needed to do more testing locally to weed out similar errors.

"'Spastic' is an extremely offensive word. It is a medical term which refers to the inability – or limited ability – to control muscle movement, typically among people who have cerebral palsy, but the wider meaning is of someone who is incapable of doing something, either physically or mentally," he said. "It is simply not allowable in the UK."

Gavin Ogden, editor of the online games magazine computerandvideogames.com, said that Nintendo was unlikely to be damaged by the incident, and if anything would sell more consoles as a result.

Nintendo would not say when Mario Party 8 would be re-released.

Sony was recently forced to issue an apology for using the interior of Manchester Cathedral as the setting for a violent PlayStation 3 game, Resistance: Fall of Man.

Computer virus celebrates 25th birthday

satanic_elmo — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 11:46:00 +0100

The first microcomputer virus to appear in the wild, i.e. outside the single computer or lab where it was created, is celebrating its 25th birthday.

'Elk Cloner' was created in 1982 and is credited to Richard Skrenta, a high-school student from Pittsburgh.

The virus was originally added to a game propagated between Apple II computers via floppy disk. The game was set to play normally 49 times, but to release the virus on the 50th time of starting the game.

'Elk Cloner' would display a blank screen with a poem about the virus which read as follows:

It will get on all your disks.
It will infiltrate your chips.
Yes it's Cloner!
It will stick to you like glue.
It will modify RAM too.
Send in the Cloner!

The virus was originally developed as a joke, but it set the theme for a stream of annoying pieces of malware which popped up on the screens of Apple II, BBC Micro and, later, early PC users' screens.

"Back then it was just a prank, a bit of fun. Today's malware is frequently malevolent and coded by criminals and/or hackers," said Phil Higgins, a senior partner at secure networking firm Brookcourt Solutions.

"These people are intent on extracting money from, and destroying the data of, innocent computer users and the organisations they work for.

"It is always nice to remember an anniversary, but this is one date that business and PC users should use to galvanise themselves into raising the bar on information security and ensuring that malware does not get through their security screens."

Although considered by most to be the first virus spread on microcomputers, 'Elk Cloner' was not the first virus ever created.

The first ever malware can be traced back to the early 1970s or even the late 1960s when programs called 'the rabbit' periodically appeared on mainframe computers.

Usually created as a prank by students, these programs cloned themselves and occupied system resources, thus lowering the productivity of the system.

There are also tales of a virus called 'Pervading Animal' which appeared in 1975 on the Univax 1108 system. This virus merged itself to the end of executable files, in much the same way as many modern viruses.