peter_comte blog on Absolute Radio

Part Two........These were genuine sentences in letters written to councils in UK

peter_comte — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:03:30 +0000

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

Part One.....

peter_comte — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 04:40:15 +0000

These were genuine sentences in letters written to councils in UK

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Don't Understand the Stock Market?

peter_comte — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 21:31:39 +0000

Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, Since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at All these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once more there were monkeys everywhere.

Now do you understand why and how the stock market works?

Food For Thought

peter_comte — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 22:20:25 +0000

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first plac

Time for a sickie

peter_comte — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:55:34 +0100

Howdy all, Yep chucking a sickie tomorrow. Tony and I are doing the rounds of the music shops in Melbourne. (State Capital) Who knows what I'll come home with never can have too mant guitars. The wife always gets nervous on our music shop days. Anyway have a goof one catch you Friday, Cheers, Pete

Have a Listen to One of My Favorite Artists........

peter_comte — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 03:53:32 +0100

Hi everyone just wanted to share one of my all time fav artist. Some peole may know of him lots dont. It's Tom Waits, he has a style all his own and If you like a lay back bluesy/jazz fusion you shold enjoy him. My favorite album of his was "Asylum Years" . Here a link hope you like it. Pete

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knII3S0MZtY

Hello to all my Absolute VIP friends......

peter_comte — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 06:10:05 +0100

I'm back again, sorry if you called and I wasn't home been on holidays again. I get nine weeks a year so I take 3 weeks every 3 months basically. Although i had 8 weeks at the start of the year coz I took 6 weeks long service leave. So I will have had 15 weeks for this year by Xmas time. Sometimes I need to go back to work so I can go on holidays again. Nah just kidding not that bad. Anyways that explains my absence, now I'm back will have to catch up.Cheers.

Pete.

NEWS FLASH - Police invent low cost polygraph machine

peter_comte — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:17:24 +0100

Police in Dubbo NSW, Australia, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid.

How To Give A Cat A Pill

peter_comte — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 05:09:54 +0100

and why I don't have a cat...

         1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.   Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.   As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.   Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

        2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

        3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

        4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

        5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

        6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

        7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

        8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

        9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

        10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

        11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

        12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap

        13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

        14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye .

Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

The Blonde? Mortician (Note Disclaimer.)

peter_comte — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:07:22 +0100

Disclaimer: This joke inferes that Blondes are mentally challenged I don't subscribe or support this myth, So If your are blonde please substitute another hair color. I am only reproducing the story in it's original form. LOL

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very gr ateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

British Colombia. Bear Warning.....

peter_comte — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:21:56 +0100

WARNING

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters The B.C Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers Hunters, firshermen and any persons that use theOut doors in a recreational or work related Function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells On clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take themBy surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to Carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an Encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh Bear activity, and be able to tell the difference Between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries And squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and Smells of pepper.

G'day Everyone from Oz......

peter_comte — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:46:11 +0100

1000 Apologies to all for such a long absence, been on Hols and all sorts, I'm back now and will be calling in to say Hi and catching up with all my VR friends, shortly, Holy Crap I've dropped back to Platinum Chart Topper! Fallen from the dizzy heights of Rock God. Hope you are all well. Visiting soon.......Pete

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

peter_comte — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 05:25:21 +0100

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE

'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate

Eurovision Song Contest Finale..

peter_comte — Mon, 26 May 2008 07:21:39 +0100

Watched the Final of the Euro Song Contest. Was listening to the broadcaster from the U.K. what a laugh. He was most unimpressed with the fact that the U.K. come last in the final. Very critical of the voting from eastern european countires. His thoughts were that it was a waste of time the western european countires even competeing. Once again it appear as in sports that politics exerts its sinister influence on events. I think they should change the voting format to a panel of judges maybe?. I certainly echo the sentiments expressed by the commentator from the BBC, whos wit and sarcasm kept me entertained as much as the competition. LOL.

ATTENTION ALL "LIFE ON MARS FANS"..

peter_comte — Tue, 20 May 2008 00:36:28 +0100

Go have have a look at the link, this is a real hoot I can't stop laughing, why they couldn't leave the show in the original format I will never know, although I have my suspicions, but what results is embarrassing, and just so not right, have a look for your selves,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-aDlRJVYuI