pemal blog on Absolute Radio

For those of you that have ever used a Haynes Manual........

pemal — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:32:00 +0100

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Charlie and the genie

pemal — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 02:30:00 +0100

Prince Charles was driving out of Balmoral in the Aston-Martin Vantage, when he felt a bump under one of the wheels.

He got out and saw one of the Corgis squashed flat.

He decided to hide the dead Corgi in the bushes and not to tell ‘mummy’.

As he reached the bushes with the flattened dog he saw a lamp, he gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

The genie was so chuffed to be free that he said to Charlie that he would grant him any wish.

“Please bring the Corgi back to life, so that mummy will not find out what one has done” said Charlie.

“Oh I am so sorry” said the genie, “bringing animals back to life is very very difficult, could you not ask for something else instead, anything else at all?”

“OK, ”, says Charlie, “can you make Camilla good looking?”

“Let’s have another look at that Corgi,” said the genie.

VIPOTD (18th)

pemal — Wed, 20 May 2009 19:56:00 +0100

Hi all and thanks for the congrats. Missed it as I have been really busy working for the past few days. typical

But thanks again

Phone Call

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:28:00 +0100

((((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul
" After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??" ... Is this 486 -5731 ??

Joke

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:25:00 +0100

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt
better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and

never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two

shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of
that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Unbelieveable

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:22:00 +0100

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed
Typoglycemia

A nice meal out

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:21:00 +0100

A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...

'I've brought you the Peeking duck'

The Travellers

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:20:00 +0100

An Australian bloke is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the bloke turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the bloke comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

Fancy Dress

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:14:00 +0100

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

One day in the jungle...

pemal — Fri, 15 May 2009 05:11:00 +0100

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

Strangest lawsuit ever?

pemal — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:27:00 +0100

I see a lot of strange news stories in this job and this one, which was featured recently in a German newspaper, is up there with the strangest.

A judge in Stuttgart, Germany, is currently trying to decide on a lawsuit in which a man hired his neighbour to impregnate his wife.

It gets weirder.

Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, were very keen to have a child together, but Demetrius was sterile so they began to seek out other possible options.

The option the couple eventually decided on was to hire their neighbour Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate Traute.

Maus, who was already married with two children agreed to do the job for the fee of €2,000. For three evenings a week for the next six months, a total of 72 different times, Maus tried to impregnate Traute.

When his own wife objected, Maus explained that he was "only doing it for the money."

After the unsuccessful six-month period Soupolos insisted that Maus take a medical examination. The doctor concluded that Maus was also sterile, which forced his wife into admitting that their two children did not belong to him.

Soupolos is now suing Maus in an effort to get his money back. Maus' argument is that he did not guarantee conception, only that he would try his hardest.

What If..........................

pemal — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:51:00 +0100

The Matrix ran on Windows?

http://www.flixxy.com/the-matrix-runs-on-windows.htm

Ear Infection

pemal — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:41:00 +0100

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.''Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room fullofstrangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Words of advice

pemal — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:42:00 +0100

Life don't get any better when you hit 40. Especially when your in a 30 limit and the cops see you.

three engineers

pemal — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:39:00 +0000

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft Software Engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"