monty_hopkins blog on Absolute Radio

Gonna be MIA for a couple of weeks

monty_hopkins — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 09:02:00 +0100

OK so heres the scoop.

I have Bobs wedding this weekend followed by my camping holiday in St Ives (Cornwall).

To add to it, I had an accident on my bike, I am fine, but the bikes a mess, so I don't really have the time or inclination to blog at the moment, the pride is way to dented for that.

Will write again once I return from the hols.

Take Care All

Album of my life

monty_hopkins — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 23:08:00 +0100

I spent a little time thinking about 12 tracks that would define my life. This is what I came up with.

Living The Dream (gotta have this as my title)

1. Runrig - Loch Lomond

2. Motley Crue - Girls Girls Girls

3. Guns n Roses - November Rain

4. Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight

5. Garth Brooks - Standing Outside The Fire

6. Extreme - Get The Funk Out

7. Green Day - Good Ridance (Time Of Your Life)

8. Garth Brooks - Friends In Low Places

9. Faith No More - Easy

10. Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

11. Queen - The Miracle

12. Toby Kieth - You Aint Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'

Your challenge, if you want to try, is to see if you can come up with just 12 songs that can define the key moments in your life, you don't have to say why (unless someone asks you to comment), just what songs you would have. Sounds easy, but then when you think about it, which songs do you drop? Give it a go and find out.

F1 in Turmoil? My take on it

monty_hopkins — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 10:39:00 +0100

The world of F1, the showcase of the FIA, is in turmoil this week as it is discovered that there is a playground attitude in the McLaren garage.

Young sensation Lewis "Can I shave yet?" Hamilton and Fernando "I'm World Champion" Alonso are said to be NOT TALKING!!!! It started during qualification when Alonso, who is currently second to his bum fluffed team mate, deliberately stayed in the pits for a whole 5 seconds longer than he was supposed to therefore causing the young karter to miss out on his last ditch qualifying lap.

The bad blood continued after the race had finished and the young pretender finished in 1st place, Alonso finishing in 4th, when Hamilton was heard to say "nyeah nyeah ne nyeah nyeah" to his compatriot. In response Alonso has said " " as he is refusing to talk to him!

OK so thats a slight embelishment on the facts, but heck, its about the kind of level that is being portrayed by 2 team mates. Ron Dennis (McLaren leader) must be pulling out what little is left of his hair. I mean, imagine it. You are the head of the leading constructor and then this kicks off and you lose 15 VALUABLE points which costs you money and possibly sponsors. I mean, with this going on, will a bank want to continue its association or should they approach Pampers or Toys R Us?

GROW UP YOU TWO FFS!!!!!!!!

For those who care, I did it

monty_hopkins — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 08:12:00 +0100

Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but I finally put the turf into the garden and it makes a difference to my life (the other half isn't moaning any more lol).

A neighbour also noticed it, said it looked good and has hired me to do theirs next weekend (can see a niche in the market here lol). Therefore I am for hire lol reasonable rates too. Only £2 a turf.

Is it possible to get a delayed hangover?

monty_hopkins — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 08:05:00 +0100

Morning all,

Went to a stag do on Saturday, got hammered as you would expect (i am the best man so it's kind of law, right?) and felt great when I got up yesterday, but today, feel like I have been shot in the back of the head. Surely that aint right?

RALF DAY

monty_hopkins — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 10:43:00 +0100

Have a great

Relaxed

And

Lazy

Friday!!

Pub Garden Weather...........GET IN!!!!

Call Centres

monty_hopkins — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 06:55:00 +0100

We've all been there, well atleast us Brits have!

You try and call your bank or "local" helpdesk; you end up phoning a distant relative of Mr Patel down the cornershop, at home in New Dehli.

I did this only yesterday, trying to get some advice on a subject far to boring to discuss here and lo and behold I ended up speaking to a nice young lady, whose name I couldn't say let alone write down, in India.

NOW, I know that companies, especially in the UK, out-source the work to save a few sheckles, but WHY then do the telephone companies charge the standard consumer MORE if you phone India direct???

Next time I want to phone abroad, I'm going to find a call centre number that is in the country I want and see if they'll transfer me!! Gotta be worth a shout, hasn't it?

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India
>
> The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
> passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
> it you cannot qualify for this job."
>
> Mujibar said, "I am ready"
>
> The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
> words Yellow, Pink and Green."
>
> Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
> "Mister manager, I am ready"
>
> The manager said, "Go ahead."
>
> Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
> and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
>
> Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
> center for computer problems.
>
> No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

A Sweet Tale

monty_hopkins — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 22:33:00 +0100

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street.......

he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.

He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing.

He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

Old Chat Room

monty_hopkins — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 12:52:00 +0100

I can't help but feel that I miss the old chat room on here. After it went and before they started this, i lost touch with some friends, and cant find them again.

Does anyone else remember and miss the old chat room?

Condoms (don't panic, its not rude)

monty_hopkins — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 11:46:00 +0100

Sainsbury flavoured condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

FCUK condoms

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim.

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole

McDonalds condoms - I'm lovin IT

Screwfix condoms - where the trade goes!

sky condoms......not for use by virgins

disney have just released TIGGER condoms........"bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun..............."

bruce willis condoms-die hard

star wars condoms-feel the force

star trek condoms-boldly going where no one has gone before

top gun condoms-take my breath away

condoms for firemen-for use on your hose

condoms for police-for use with your truncheon

Know any more??? Add them to the comments

How many of you are now obsessed with being #1 on the VIP list?

monty_hopkins — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 08:13:00 +0100

It seems that many people are now becoming over run by the powers of the dark side and succuming to the draw of being #1 ...................................

WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE!!!!

MWAH HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My best mans Speech, all comments welcome

monty_hopkins — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 08:07:00 +0100

I need your feedback please.

The background for the wedding is that its a double wedding and reception so only 25% of people will probably know who Bob (groom) is anyway.

Bob works in the same place I do and his betrothed works at Broadmoor Top Security Hospital (basically the UK's most notorious loony bin).

Ladies ................. Gentlemen ................. and other invited transgendered species,

"Have you ever had a friend who you quite literally would hurt yourself physically to protect?

Lets say a friend who you would take a bullet for or answer the phone to in the middle of the night?

A friend who you would allow to move into your home at the slightest whim, or a friend, who you would quite literally drop everything to help?

A friend who, at their very word, you would trust implicitly and never doubt, a friend who you would even tell little white lies at work for and back him up when he’s on a “sickie”?

No?

Can’t say I have either, but I do have Bob.

You see Bob is a guy I met when I started working in the Warehouse, I've known him for 9 odd, yes very odd years, but it seems, no not seems, it feels like a lifetime.

Bob and I have a special bond, usually when either of us needs DIY doing. There can’t be many people in the world that I would trust to try and saw my fingers off while we're in the middle of erections, putting fences up that is.

You see, we have the kind of friendship where, we would do anything to help each other. The moments in his life when he was down, I was there ...........to stick the boot in, I mean pick him up , dust him off and get him back on his feet.

You see, Bob is no ordinary man, mainly because of desire for doctors to play with his manhood.

Bob is a man of high moral standards! He won't wear anything kinky unless it's made with humanly slaughtered leather or fair trade PVC.

Bob is a man of our times. He truly is a man who thinks of both the world and himself, although I'm not saying in which order he puts them.

Bob you're pure genius! Yes, you heard right, a genius! Right up there with that Hawkins bloke, you know the one..........Oh what’s his name now, the one with the strange voice. No, not Stephen, that’s it, Justin Hawkins, the lead singer of the Darkness.

Let me explain, when questioned on the way to solve the crisis in Iraq, did he mention the pro's and con's, should we, shouldn’t we ............. Noooooooo, not Bob, he just came out with 2 ideas, straight off the cuff, to solve it for good, he spent no time thinking of it, he just blurted them out, gems from the twisted depths , peaches from the uncharted territories, the area we can only assume, once contained his brain.

I mean, could anyone apart from Bob have suggested Suicide Pigs or the Ozone friendly nuclear missile? It makes you wonder why geedubya didn't sign him up there and then as a military aide.

That being said, Bob, in his time has had many, many great jobs. He’s worked in an off licence, a warehouse; He’s worked as a gimp in Soho, but most recently, he’s worked as a crash test dummy. He is a man so dedicated to his work and so committed to his cause. For it was Bob’s vision to make the roads of the UK safer. So, with no thought for his own personal safety or financial gain he started crash testing people carriers on public roads.

Bob your an inspiration to so many people, so many in fact that it was impossible to invite them all to be here now, but here are a few choice messages from your people, your work colleagues, your (former) friends!!

[cut to pre-recorded 'scripted' and natural messages from the guys at work]

You’ve touched so many people, in so many different ways, in your time Bob. It’s truly amazing how you’ve got away with it for so long and never been charged with harassment.

I wish you and your wife the finest in life, may you get what you wish for, as long as Paula is willing to do some of that weird shit you go on about when we get drunk

Have long and happy life together .................

Marriage is, after all, an institution and Paula has worked in one of those for years.

May your aim be true and your sperm swim in the right direction.......

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr and Mrs Robert Bellini

December 23rd

monty_hopkins — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 11:45:00 +0000

Ok I know I'm a bit old to be going out to the Agincourt in Camberley (Surrey) but they are having a Crimbo Bash and well I just can't resist it. For those of you that don't know of the Agincourt, go to www.clubagincourt.co.uk or just trust me in saying that it has been feeding the addiction of rock generations in Surrey for many years.

I'll be there, will you?