mandydavisq blog on Absolute Radio

Dog lovers

mandydavisq — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 02:57:00 +0100

I rescued a human today.

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her. I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.

As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life. She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me.

I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her.

Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes. I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor. So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

Skinny dipping

mandydavisq — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:31:00 +0100

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

This one fits the bill!

mandydavisq — Fri, 29 May 2009 05:14:00 +0100

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
shit ....

Wardens

mandydavisq — Sat, 16 May 2009 03:09:00 +0100

Prison V's Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON @ WORK You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON you spend the majority of your time
In an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ WORK You get three meals a day fully paid for
@ PRISON you get a break for one meal and
You have to pay for it

@ WORK You get time off for good behavior you get more work for
Good behaviour
@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ PRISON @ WORK
You must often carry a security card
And open all the doors for yourself

@ WORK You can watch TV and play games

@ PRISON you could get fired for watching
TV and playing games

@ WORK You get your own toilet

@ PRISON you have to share the toilet with
Some people who pee on the seat

@ WORK They allow your family and friends to visit

@ PRISON you aren't even supposed to speak
To your family

@ WORK All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

@ PRISON you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from
Your salary to pay for prisoners

@ WORK You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out you spend most of your time wanting
To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK
They are called managers

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out..'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

Mother's Day!

mandydavisq — Sun, 10 May 2009 03:10:00 +0100

For all the yummy mummy's out there.....Happy Mother's Day!

I received a card with a painting on it this morning and this wording from my 12 month old ..

I know I am quite small, and I have lots of growing to do

I suppose I do some things, that I really shouldnt do.

I really try my hardest, but there are so many things to try.

Childhood is such a short time, it really flashes by.

So here's a small momento

that you may wish to keep,

some reminders of the little things, for when our memories grow weak

Happy Mother's day Mummy, I love you!

I was so overwhelmed with emotion....

I have grounded her for lying to me about writing the words herself! lol

Oh stop, i'm only joking...she's beautful! Amanda x

One step at a time!

mandydavisq — Sat, 09 May 2009 07:56:00 +0100

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ?you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ?he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Morning Guru's have a top day!

mandydavisq — Sat, 09 May 2009 05:14:00 +0100

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and  boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved  ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and  blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend  better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension  without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

then you are probaby the family dog!

...F Family Dog!

Silence is golden

mandydavisq — Sat, 09 May 2009 05:05:00 +0100

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said,
"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Hey Guru's have a ripper easter!

mandydavisq — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:46:00 +0100

Many a young man is looking for an older

woman with a strong will – made out to him

Always read the fine print

mandydavisq — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:31:00 +0100

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
monks goes downstairs to look for him.

Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."

Damn Fine excuse! lol

mandydavisq — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 05:03:00 +0100

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away! And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' Waste not, want not!

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like...

mandydavisq — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:50:00 +0100

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .... Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.

sunday greetings...hope this makes you smile x

mandydavisq — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 00:08:00 +0100

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens - just the depth varies!!!