luanacro blog on Absolute Radio

ON THE TRAIN

luanacro — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:16:54 +0100

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

WOMEN SUPERIORITY

luanacro — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:15:06 +0100

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxi's stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

WOMEN AND DRINKS

luanacro — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:13:29 +0100

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

Are You Really Sure?

luanacro — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 08:08:36 +0000

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Women's instructions

luanacro — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 08:01:44 +0000

WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

All of life's annoyances

luanacro — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:52:49 +0000

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Never hear a man say

luanacro — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:50:31 +0000

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

While I'm up, can I get you anything?

Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore

Never hear women say

luanacro — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 09:49:45 +0000

Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

What do you mean today's our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

Tell about a haircut

luanacro — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:14:47 +0000

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Questions and answers

luanacro — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:12:39 +0000

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Men writing the rules

luanacro — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:11:15 +0000

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The guide for women

luanacro — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:09:15 +0000

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

The guide to women

luanacro — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 17:07:12 +0000

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

A Joke

luanacro — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:56:38 +0000

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Be Polite

luanacro — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:08:25 +0000

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."