leesam1 blog on Absolute Radio

10 things about PMT

leesam1 — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:58:59 +0100

1.Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
'How's my driving? Call 0 800 ****"**.'

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Brown Nosing

leesam1 — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:53:00 +0100

A young executive leaving the office one evening noticed his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Seeing a good opportunity to do some brown-nosing, he asks, "Can I help you with something before I leave, Sir?" "Listen," said the boss, "this is important and my assistant has already left the office. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young man, certain he was earning some brownie points. The young executive turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Thank you," said the boss, unaware that his paper had disappeared into the paper shredder. "I need two copies of that."

Retro Joke

leesam1 — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 17:25:03 +0100

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip
guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers
and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

“ Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad
to repeat himself.

“ Yeah," says Carrie's father”,Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all
night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!''

Dress Down Day!

leesam1 — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 17:06:31 +0100

Casual Fridays: Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 - Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Lost Buttons!!

leesam1 — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:14:25 +0100

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his trouser pocket. But
the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe.
Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since
pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are
useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his trousers and tossed them in the rubbish along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes
in the rubbish as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."

Plus a Constant

leesam1 — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:01:19 +0100

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed." She repeats "one third -- dex cue"? He repeats "one third x cubed". She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?" "Yes, that's right," he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...". The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?” The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

Blonde Painter

leesam1 — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:26:27 +0100

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Southern Girl

leesam1 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:47:53 +0100

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.

10 Reasons Computers Must be Male

leesam1 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:42:05 +0100

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Water!!

leesam1 — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:43:56 +0100

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK, OK” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead… “Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Rules r Rules?

leesam1 — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:24:05 +0100

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Sound tracks!

leesam1 — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 09:28:23 +0100

I was just listening 2 Viva La Vida and for some reason its become part of the sound track to my life. You know one of those tracks that has some significance at key moments in your existence. Generally the lyrics strike a chord within you. 3 of mine are. 1. Everbody wants to rule the world. Tears For Fears. 2. Its My Life. Talk Talk. Viva La Vida. Coldplay. Do you have a soundtrack to your life changing moments? If so, what are your tracks?

I like this 1!!!

leesam1 — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 10:10:05 +0100

I'm gonna go down on U and your'e gonna love it.

But its only gonna be long enough for U to start enjoying it.

Then I'm going 2 come back up again and fuck you big time.

Yours Sincerely

Petrol Pricesxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dangerous Sports

leesam1 — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 09:02:03 +0100

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over
and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,"

Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down

until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting.and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

Missing!

leesam1 — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:39:14 +0100

hello vipers, I havn't had a proper chance to say halloooooooooo this week . I hope everyone is in rude health and enjoying te weather. For all of those who thought i never do a thing(and for those who don't give a toss anyway)yes i do. Anyway i'm missing you all and hope I get more time next week. Oh! I have finally converted to Christianity. Anyone who coould rip Max Mosley so viciously(this morning)can have kudos from me. See Ya.

Hugz n Snogs

Lee