leesam1 blog on Absolute Radio

He's my brother!

leesam1 — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:52:00 +0100

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Message From Bill Gates

leesam1 — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:16:00 +0100

This should be posted in all schools and work places

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time..

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher

Happy;-}

leesam1 — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:44:00 +0100

THE PLACE TO BE HAPPY IS HERE.

THE TIME TO BE HAPPY IS NOW:-D

GCSE Answers

leesam1 — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 16:34:00 +0100

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire or Dew is also formed by not paying your bills as it then becomes dew

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Weight loss programme!!

leesam1 — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:33:00 +0100

A man calls a company and orders their new 5-day, 10 lb.
>>> weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on
>>> the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
>>> athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but
>>> a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her
>>> neck.
>>>
>>> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
>>> loss company.
>>>
>>> The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have
>>> me."
>>>
>>> Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
>>>
>>> A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives
>>> up.
>>>
>>> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
>>> thing
>>> happens..
>>>
>>> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted
>>> to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
>>>
>>> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
>>> program.
>>>
>>> The next day there's a knock at the door and there
>>> stands the most stunning and
>>> beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
>>>
>>> She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
>>> around her neck that
>>> reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
>>>
>>> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
>>>
>>> This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
>>> no such luck.
>>>
>>> So for the next four days, the same routine happens with
>>> him gradually getting
>>> in better and better shape.
>>>
>>> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
>>> himself, he discovers that
>>> he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>>>
>>> He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
>>> the 7-day/50 pound
>>> program.
>>>
>>> "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
>>> phone. "This is
>>> our most rigorous program."
>>>
>>> "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't
>>> felt this good in years."
>>>
>>> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
>>> opens it he finds a huge
>>> muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
>>> running shoes and a sign
>>> around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are
>>> mine!!!"
>>>
>>> He lost 63 pounds that week.

Reincarnation

leesam1 — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:28:00 +0100

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

Suzerain.

leesam1 — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:24:00 +0100

I went to a gig by a band called Suzerain on Friday night.

They were playing the headline slot at the re-opening of the Fridge in Brixton as a live music venue. They are an excellent band and in my opinion they have enough talent to go all the way to the top. They have a great rock sound with a hard edge to it. Maybe a touch of the 80s. Good lyrics and a singer with presence. Check em out on facebook, myspace, u tube etc. Well worth your time.

Cheers;-}

The best divorce letter ever?

leesam1 — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:14:00 +0100

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hopeyou have the

fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

Childbirth at 65

leesam1 — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:09:00 +0100
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Ferrari Formula 1 Team Fired.

leesam1 — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:45:00 +0100

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew
yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision
to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth
Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Falls and
the Shankill. The decision to hire them followed a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from the Falls
and Shankill areas of Belfast were able to remove a set of
wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds
with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime
Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was
a bold move by the Ferrari management which
demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under
New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits,
Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the
first practice session, the Falls and Shankill pit crew
successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but
within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold
the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg
Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis
Hamilton 's bird in the shower.

Film Posters

leesam1 — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:20:00 +0100

Does any one know where I can get/buy @ reasonable prices. Film Posters of the type and size they use in bus shelters etc. I am doing up my 13 year old sons bedroom and we were looking to do a film theme. If any1 can help I'd be very grateful. I'm not looking for vintage posters. Just action films or Pixar, Disney that sort of thing.
Thanks in advance;-}
Lee

Deck of Cards

leesam1 — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:01:00 +0100

Dog Food!!

leesam1 — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:45:00 +0100

I have a Labrador Retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart. While in line to check out, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time.But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a stroke as he staggered out the door.

Kitty!!

leesam1 — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:34:00 +0100

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

Redhead!!

leesam1 — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:29:00 +0100

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her....

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

"Please let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens attentively.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye!"