lblatcher blog on Absolute Radio

I am back!!!

lblatcher — Mon, 19 May 2008 19:35:00 +0100

Sorry fello VIP's, I didnt mean to desert you, just had a few bits on such as finding new job etc. probably will be on here a few evenings a week now as i cannot get on a computer during the day any more!! have missed ya all. speak soon. x

The Waiting room

lblatcher — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 13:35:00 +0000

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

rude but funny!!

lblatcher — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 10:45:00 +0000

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Fancy Dress Joke

lblatcher — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:27:00 +0000

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a very rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets another parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple.

beware of xmas scam

lblatcher — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 10:42:00 +0000

A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at
Tesco!

Over the last couple of weeks I have become the victim of a clever scam
while out shopping.

Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.....

Two seriously good looking late teen/early twenty-something year old girls
come over to your car as you are loading your shopping into the boot.

They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and windowlene, with
their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to have a good look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a lift to another
shopping centre.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on November the 14th, 19th and 21st, twice on the
24th and 26th, three times on the 28th, twice just yesterday,

and very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.

Heroes season 2

lblatcher — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 15:27:00 +0100

Just watched episode 1 of season 2 of heroes and already it has got me hooked...... I think its going to be just as fun and full of twists as season 1

Neighbourhood tale

lblatcher — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 08:13:00 +0100

We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of
fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a
number
plate, but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with
racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
wife but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who
everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen
out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control.
Who'd live near Windsor Castle?

confuddled by walkers crisps!!

lblatcher — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:57:00 +0100

Yes thats right, i am both confussed and muddled by Walkers crisps. this may sound strange but if anyone can answer me why i would appreciate it.

All walkers crisps apart from Cheese and onion are suitable for vegetarians. what do they use to get the meat crisps (Chicken and beef one's) to taste meaty and how the hell do they make the flavouring for cheese and onion crisps so they are not suitable for vegetarians?!?!?!?

Help!!!!

Irish Medical Dictionary!!

lblatcher — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 13:56:00 +0100

Artery....................................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria.................................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..................................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign...................................... What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...................... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan..................................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterise................................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................................... A sheep dog.
Coma....................................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate....................................... To live long.
Enema...................................... Not a friend.
Fester....................................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula....................................... A small lie.
Impotent................................... Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain............................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.............................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...................................... A higher offer.
Nitrates..................................... Better than day rates.
Node......................................... I knew it.
Outpatient................................. A person who has fainted.
Pelvis........................................ Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............................ A letter carrier.
Recovery Room........................... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion.................................. Hiding something.
Seizure..................................... Roman emperor.
Tablet...................................... A small table.
Terminal Illness......................... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.................................... One plus one more.
Urine........................................ Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms................................ To be sure, to be sure!

Paolo Nutini

lblatcher — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 10:23:00 +0100

Yesterday i made the best musical purchase i have made in years, after watching Paolo play live at IOW fest i thought he was muc, much better live than edited on his album, so i bought the new version of the album with disk 2!! 8 tracks recorded live at IOW.... fantastic i highly recommend it.

Delia's handy tips!!

lblatcher — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 08:08:00 +0100

9 handy household tips for the modern woman

Body:

1. DELIA'S WAY

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice

cream drips.

THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You

are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. DELIA'S WAY

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. DELIA'S WAY

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry

cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the

cake.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. DELIA'S WAY

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a

potato slice.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Now,

please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it, and you will eat

it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."

5. DELIA'S WAY

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will

keep for weeks.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Let it keep forever. Who really eats it anyway?

6. DELIA'S WAY

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful

glossy finish.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over

the crust - so we don't do that.

7. DELIA'S WAY

Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub in on your forehead.

The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of

vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but at least you

will be happy!

8. DELIA'S WAY

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They

give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY

Forget the gloves, use that gadget you keep in front of the TV ... that's

what he's there for isn't it?

And finally ...

9. DELIA'S WAY

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. REAL WOMAN'S WAY Leftover wine???? .... Hello!!!!!

Understanding Engineers

lblatcher — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:09:00 +0100

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a fine arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

3 Drunk girls

lblatcher — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 08:56:00 +0100

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."

Has VR been hacked into???

lblatcher — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 09:30:00 +0100

Rather funny thing has happened, i think VR has been hacked into or some screening process missed. i have had problems listening on line so have refreshed the radio player a few times and lets say there has been adult content on the ads showing whilst the radio player is connecting up!!! i dont think its my computer as our company has good virus protection etc..... anyone else noticed???