kookycat blog on Absolute Radio

Where have you all gone?

kookycat — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 14:48:00 +0100

Hello i'm not around too much these days......it looks like i'm not the only one, where are all you oldies hiding?!?!? I dont mean old old I mean people that have been here for a while...there is only a few I can see....am I confusing you yet? good cuz im confusing myself haha

Hope everyone is havin a good day!

How to appreciate life

kookycat — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:59:00 +0100

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are seventeen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

LIFES TOO SHORT!

kookycat — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:03:00 +0100

Never take someone for granted
Hold every person close to your heart
Because you might wake up one day
And realise that you've lost a diamond
While you were too busy collecting stones.

JOKE!!

kookycat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 15:41:00 +0100

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample 4 analysis at hospital.

He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. Nurse asks why he had no sample.? He says..............

SORRY I tried with my right hand then my left hand, then my wife tried with both hands, then with her teeth in then with her teeth out. THEN we got Ethel from next door to trybut it was no good!!!!!

We just couldnt get the lid off the jar!! hahahahaha

and u with all ur dirty minds!!!!! ;0)

JOKE!!

kookycat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 15:27:00 +0100

Professor of maths sends his wife a txt "dear wife, ur 54yrs old and u can no longer satisfy my needs so when u get this I will be in a motel with my 18yr old asst. I am sorry!"

Wife sends him a swift reply........." Dear husband ur also 54 and by the time u get this i will also be in a motel with 18yr old pool boy. Ur a brill mathematician so u will know that 18 goes into 54 alot more times than 54 goes into 18, so DONT WAIT UP!!"

Time for a Joke hehe sorry if it offends anyone ;-)

kookycat — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 10:43:00 +0100

A dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if he can buy the 4ft durex on display. Chemist says NO its for promotional purposes only.

The dwarf offers £80 which the chemist takes.

The dwarf then slides the durex over his head and down his body and asks the chemist....what do I look like? Chemist replies you look like a big prick.

Thank f**k for that i'm sick of being called a little c**t!!

BECAUSE EVERYONE IN CANADA LIVES IN AN IGLOO?!

kookycat — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 07:37:00 +0100

Since Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England) A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada?(USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA ) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

TATTIES!!

kookycat — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:03:00 +0100

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? * * OK! Here it is!

* * * * A COMMONTATER

SORRY GUYS IVE GOT MY DADS SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!! LOL

hump day joke

kookycat — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 08:25:00 +0000

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and all go to heaven. St Peter asks the first nun "have you ever had contact with a penis?" she says "I touched one with my finger" St Peter says "dip ur finger in holy water". He then asks the next nun, she says "i fondled one" "put your whole hand in the holy water"he said. Suddenly there is a comotion, a nun has pushed to the front , St Peter asks "Whats up?" "If i'm going to gargle that water, I want to do it before sister Anne puts her arse in it!"

Hope you all have a good day ;-)

GOVERMENT FLOOD WARNING!!

kookycat — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:38:00 +0000

THIS IS ESPECIALLY FOR MAGS!!;-)

Due to further flood warnings the goverment has decided to evacuate all good looking and intelligent people to higher ground.

Just writing to u to say goodbye I hope u can bloody swim!!! hhehehehehe lol

luv u really...but got ya bak ya bugger!!!

JOKE

kookycat — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 11:16:00 +0000

A ventriloquist doing his act started telling blonde jokes, after a while a blonde lady stood up and said "Ive had enough of this shit, u blokes r always calling us blondes stupid! I demand a bit more respect!"

The ventriloquist was a bit embarresed by the out burst and said " Sorry love it's just a joke!"

"shut the f**k up!" she interupted "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that gobby little twat on your knee!"

Flower shop..

kookycat — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:39:00 +0000

Redhead and Blonde pass a flower shop when the redhead spots her fella buying flowers. She says 'Oh shit he always has expectations after buying flowers, and I don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air!!'

The blonde says.....'Don't you have a vase??? LOL ha ha ha

another joke..soz this one a bit rude....

kookycat — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:33:00 +0000

Two fleas on a fanny. One was Australian and the other a drug addict.

How do you tell who is who??

The Australian was in the bush and the drug addict was just there for the crack!!

Honeymooning Ducks!

kookycat — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:31:00 +0000

Two honeymooning ducks are in a hotel....As they are about to make love the drake says'We don't have any condoms, i'll call room service'..so he calls room service and asks for the condoms to be sent up. The receptionist says 'Fine sir, would u like me to put them on ur bill?'......'No u daft c**t' he says 'I'll f**kn sufocate!! lol

Anal blindness LOL!!

kookycat — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:27:00 +0000

A woman rings her boss and says 'I won't be at work today, I've got anal blindness', 'What the hell is that' says the boss...The woman says 'I can't see my arse getting out of bed today ha ha x