kawkatie10 blog on Absolute Radio

hook

kawkatie10 — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 04:22:00 +0000

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

shrink ray

kawkatie10 — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 06:48:00 +0000

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

drunk man

kawkatie10 — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:32:00 +0100

Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

this made me laugh

kawkatie10 — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 22:50:00 +0100

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”

“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”

“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”

plane talk

kawkatie10 — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 22:47:00 +0100

Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

coffee

kawkatie10 — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 04:35:00 +0100

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

mall order

kawkatie10 — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 20:04:00 +0100

A Mall Order

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.

They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."

the perfect husband

kawkatie10 — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 19:26:00 +0100

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

irish joke

kawkatie10 — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 01:12:00 +0100

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four y ears. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

hikers

kawkatie10 — Thu, 31 May 2007 21:52:00 +0100

Misguided

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.

''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''

''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''

a fathers last request

kawkatie10 — Thu, 24 May 2007 19:14:00 +0100

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

lost in Home Depot (its a hardware store)

kawkatie10 — Wed, 23 May 2007 04:22:00 +0100

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
>Depot when they collide.
> The old guy says to the young guy: "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
>wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
> attention to where I was going".
> The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
> getting a little desperate."
> The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
>wife look like?"
> The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
>blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
>halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
> The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

there's nothing wrong with pepper taquila

kawkatie10 — Tue, 22 May 2007 05:13:00 +0100

A guy walks into
> a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
>
> sees
> it's
> filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a
> thousand
> dollars in it
>
> He approaches the bartender and a sks, "What's with the jar?"
> "Well,
> you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and
>
> the keys to a brand new CORVETTE Z07.
> The
> man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
>
> "What are the three tests?"
>
> "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
>
> So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
>jar.
>
> "OK," the bartender says, " Here's what you need to do:
>
> First - You have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the
>whole
>
> thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
> Second,
> There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
>
> have to remove the tooth with your bare hands
>
> Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
>orgasm.
>
> You've gotta make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I
>won't
>
> do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and
>then
>
> do those other things..."
>
> "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
>asks,
>
> "Where ez zat tequila?"
>
> He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
>
> Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
>the
>
> people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
>
> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
>yelping
>
> and then . . silence.
>
> just when they think the man
> surely must be dead, he staggers back into
>
> the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over
>his
>
> body.
> "Now,"
> he says...
>
> "Where's the old woman with the sore
> tooth?"

i've been gone for a while, here is a joke

kawkatie10 — Sun, 20 May 2007 18:56:00 +0100

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

Blond joke

kawkatie10 — Tue, 15 May 2007 05:43:00 +0100

The Blonde and the Deodorant

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."