jo_jo1 blog on Absolute Radio

Investment tips for 2008

jo_jo1 — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 11:56:43 +0100

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros. and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Cherie Blair and her chauffeur.

jo_jo1 — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 16:54:09 +0100

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the
car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
' You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
' You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
' My god, what happened to you ? ' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the
daughter made love to me. '
' What on earth did you say ? ' asks Cherie.
' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: '
I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

mood ring

jo_jo1 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:30:24 +0100

a friends husband bought her a mood ring the other day.

he said it was because of her frequent mood swings , so he could moniter her moods.

he has since discovered that when she is in a good mood it turns green.

and when she is in a bad mood it leaves a very nasty big red mark on his forehead!

she says next time he buys her a ring it had better have a diamond in it! ;~}

curtain rods

jo_jo1 — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:14:21 +0100

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to et off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

has anyone got any asprin?

jo_jo1 — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:15:47 +0100

shush please!

i've got the 'mother and father' of hangovers today!

i think i'm going to give up drinking till next year!

found this on youtube it seems to appropriate, somehow!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LpmCYrcPIzw

happy 4th of july to everyone!

jo_jo1 — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 15:45:17 +0100

feeling a bit fragile today, not sure if its coz i'm a little bit unwell or if i'm just being a miserable bugger!

only other thing i can think it might be is that todays my 39th birthday - GOD I'M FEELING OLD!!

i think i need some alcohol!

i might have a drink or 3 later to cheer myself up a bit! ................. oh sod it ! i'll have a lot to drink so i can cheer myself up a lot!!

;~}

hyde park 'hardrock calling'

jo_jo1 — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 15:30:50 +0100

i just won tickets for the sunday night. (BIG thank you to lila!)

thanks a bundle virgin, you've made my other halves day coz its thier birthday on the 1st of july so it makes a nice early birthday for them!

its also my birthday 3 days later so its also an extra prezzie for me too!

thanks virgin ' you rock! '

1st grade teacher

jo_jo1 — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:35:47 +0100

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
  Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
  Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
  Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
  Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

in the begining

jo_jo1 — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:09:36 +0100

God Said,

Adam I want you to do Something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.
Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God
Explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said
*
*
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
'What's a headache?'

Esp' for Lmltculshaw ~ hope it makes you smile!

jo_jo1 — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:08:05 +0000

Lisa was bragging to her boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.' Tired of her boasting, her boss decides to call her bluff, 'OK, Lisa, how about Tom Cruise?' 'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So Lisa and her boss fly out to Hollywood , knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Lisa! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Lisa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Lisa that he thinks her knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, you just name anyone else,' Lisa says. 'President Bush,' her boss quickly retorts. 'Yup,' Lisa say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' At the White House, Bush spots Lisa on the tour and motions her and her boss over, 'Lisa, what a great surprise, I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in first and let's and catch up.' The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Lisa, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' the boss replies. 'Sure!' says Lisa. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome . Lisa and her boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Lisa says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
She disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Lisa emerges with the Pope on the balcony and waves, but by the time Lisa returns, she finds that her boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making her way to her boss' side, Lisa asks him, 'What happened boss?'
Her boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*ck is that on the balcony with Lisa?'

gotta go now ;~{

jo_jo1 — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:55:03 +0000

oops its that time again, i've gotta go now!

this is for janet ~ hopefully she'll forgive us for ignoring her! lol ;~}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaAxijKkd48&feature=related

hopefully i'll catch up with all of you tomorrow!

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

jo_jo1 — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:09:50 +0000

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

blonde/irish joke

jo_jo1 — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:57:26 +0000

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.. 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

got to be quick!

jo_jo1 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:18:56 +0000

hi all, just a quick flying visit, hope you all have had a great christmas: i know i have! i've got to be quick as my family are likely to tell me off for being unsocialable coz i'm on here!

i'll be back on here proper @ 2nd of january next year

so until then may i take this time to wish all of you a very happy new year, and i'll see you then

jo-jo

merry christmas to all VR V.I.P.s

jo_jo1 — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:04:25 +0000

so thats it i'm getting ready to go home from work, for the last time this year! this will be my first complete christmas when i don't have to go to work at all! ;~} its only taken 21 years of grafting to get here!

i'l be going down to devon to spend christmas with family, but i'll try to get on here from time to time (if i'm not too drunk to remember my password!) so i don't lose my rock god status! i should be back online @ 2nd jan next year so if i don't get another chance to catch you till then, may i take this time to wish you and yours a very merry christmas and a happy new year! ;~} i hope you all have a good one

there is so many christmas songs to choose from so i thought i'd do a selection of a few to get you all in the mood for this festive time of year. be warned the first one is a joke and might be offensive ~ esp' if you are a chav!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eJzj2yLwC14

thats the joke one out of the way! enjoy the rest!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=THcbQyFtCqg

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_zMhSjDqvRs

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hb2YSAVHmIE

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=niIJ9Yb-xwQ

i'll leave you with the snowman 'walking in the air' http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=xfiqrkV_ZqI

see you all soon

lots of love and stuff

jojo

p.s. here is the real snowman link ;~}

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=aR1Ln-ctn5E