jackofclubs2005 blog on Absolute Radio

Merry Christmas Everyone

jackofclubs2005 — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 14:27:00 +0000

Hope that the next few days are everything that you hoped for.

Jack

Yep it's football time again

jackofclubs2005 — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 14:47:00 +0100

All those hopes and dreams for your side.

Will they win this

Will they win that

Or will the bunch of overpaid cissies fail to deliver again

Oh well, such is the vision of a life long Spurs supporter

Come on you Spurs !!

(All comments welcome, even the Gooners!

Reloaded

jackofclubs2005 — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:31:00 +0100

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of milk.

Later his dim wife comes home and finds him with his thingy in a saucer of cold milk

"Good heavens" she remarked.

"I always wondered how you reloaded those things" !!

Trust my luck

jackofclubs2005 — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 06:15:00 +0100

A 7 foot beetle has just knocked on my door, hit me over the head, slapped me round the face and told me to f - off.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going round

Boom boom

Tall tales from the world of insurance claims

jackofclubs2005 — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 17:55:00 +0000

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

"Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

Dear Technical Support,

jackofclubs2005 — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 10:55:00 +0000

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch urboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

THE THREE BEARS

jackofclubs2005 — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 18:16:00 +0000

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning .....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear- asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm going to say this only once....




I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!!!

Thank heaven for mums

Merry Christmas to all VR VIPs

jackofclubs2005 — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 05:58:00 +0000

Eat, drink and be merry. Most of all - enjoy the company of loved ones

Fancy a laugh

jackofclubs2005 — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 13:21:00 +0000

Log onto http://jackofclubs2005.mysite.orange.co.uk/ Enjoy

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

jackofclubs2005 — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 18:08:00 +0000

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Mystic Ted's wacky horoscopes (find out what's in store for your weekend)

jackofclubs2005 — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 09:46:00 +0000

Check your horoscope and see if it actually comes true! These are more like the kind of horoscopes an escaped raving lunatic would write in a public toilet stall at 4:00AM after getting mashed on 20 shots of absinthe. Tell me your star signs and I will pass on Mystic Ted's wacky predictions, as soon as his eyes stop glazing over and he comes out of his trance.

Apprentice to the Shadowmaker

jackofclubs2005 — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:53:00 +0000

In solidarity with the Shadowmaker, here's my contribution.

Me thinks that I might have got it a bit wrong !!

Well done to the mighty Spurs yesterday

jackofclubs2005 — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 13:56:00 +0000

Left themselves lots to do. Here's to Ramos's third Uefa Cup Original blog was also asking about Morgan's gal. But just seen and posted message to blog from Creed

Deep Thoughts............

jackofclubs2005 — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:30:00 +0000

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a pit bull humps your leg you'd better fake an orgasm.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a twat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you'll be right.

The easiest way to find something that's lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it's still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

AMAZING - I karnt Speell bat tats okey

jackofclubs2005 — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:26:00 +0000

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Jcak