j-pops blog on Absolute Radio

Smart Answers - made me smile - Welcome to the Weekend

j-pops — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:25:00 +0000

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'

Jeff Healey

j-pops — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:22:00 +0000

It is with great sadness I read today that Jeff Healy died, he was a great guitarist in his own right.

Word of the day............

j-pops — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 09:45:00 +0000

Recherche \ruh-sher-SHAY\, adjective:

1. Uncommon; exotic; rare.

2. Exquisite; choice.

3. Excessively refined; affected.

4. Pretentious; overblown.

And todays mission, should you choose to accept it, use recherche in a sentence...................I am going for we are all recherche VIP's! (using 3# )

One for the Scots........

j-pops — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 14:45:00 +0000

An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysees with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.

Davy: Naw, yer food's mingin big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your sh*te.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Boaby?

Boaby: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.

Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dugs, ah widnae touch them wae a ten fit pole big yin.

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

Boaby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive

Screen Cleaner

j-pops — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 09:45:00 +0000

Bit of light hearted fun for Friday.........

http://www.linein.org/media/screen_clean.swf

and hit 'start cleaning now'

Have a great weekend everyone.................