davidsharpe blog on Absolute Radio

The most functional English word is ...............

davidsharpe — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:45:16 +0000

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......Well, Shit Happens!!!

friday joke

davidsharpe — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:27:47 +0000

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles.

One was already occupied so I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied Yeah, not too bad thanks After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what you up to mate?" Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .....Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

tis Friday joke time ......soz lol

davidsharpe — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 14:22:05 +0000

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground

and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve

your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was

in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his

groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his

hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,

'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.

Morning all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

davidsharpe — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 08:15:07 +0000

Hiya peeps! Guess who's back, yes I'm back lmao xxx

Some great bitchy remarks!

davidsharpe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 10:06:13 +0000

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I'm digging them up for ya peeps lol

davidsharpe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 09:35:06 +0000

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

another joke for ya

davidsharpe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 09:17:01 +0000

FIRE ENGINE

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

Get ready to groan, sharpeys joke!!!

davidsharpe — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 08:23:52 +0000

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"

The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

Thursday Joke

davidsharpe — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 12:57:32 +0000

Two old ladies sitting in a cafe enjoying a cream tea of jam, cream, scones and a pot of tea,

Betty says to Olive "Did you come on the bus?"

Olive replies "Oooh yes dear, but I made it look like I was having an asthma attack"

Boom boom :D xx

Afternoon all!

davidsharpe — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 12:25:48 +0000

How the devil are we all? xxx

Wednesdays Joke

davidsharpe — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 09:54:14 +0000

Date 31st March 2007.

Blind little Timmy was being tucked up in his bad when his mummy says

"if you pray really hard tonight, tomorrow you will be able to see!"

So little Timmy prays like never before.

Morning comes and Timmy is still blind.

"Mummy, mummy" he cries "I prayed so hard last night, but I'm still blind."

His mum gently pats him on the head. "I know son." she said "APRIL FOOL !"

Good morning Chaps and Chapesses

davidsharpe — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 09:20:37 +0000

I hope I find you all well and full of sprite! Not the drink or else we'd have to have belching competitions! VR could also do a special Award Badge Belcher of the week! Have a great day all xxxx

a review of my weekend!

davidsharpe — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 10:41:49 +0000

Well peeps now that my head has finally stopped banging, I thought I'd give ya a few hot of the press exclusives regarding the weekend with Morgans_Gal!

Flight was great apart from they had no cider! (gits)

Missed train by a matter of seconds, so waited an hour for next 1 with the help of costa coffee and a trip to marks and sparks lol (choccy wine which is VILE and triple cocktails they were YUMMY)!!

Got to Dundee! hugged and kissed MG went straight to bar, cider for me and double morgans and coke (no ice) for MG! We then went to another pub had a few more drinkies! (hic)

Got cab to MG's met the kids, the dog (timmy) and neighbours Lisa, kaylyn and Kevin! All bloody fab! opened the cocktails! then the wine (euwwwwwwwwwww) MG had cooked the most gowjus Lasagne, we ate that, got ready and then hit Forfar nightlife! had the bestest laugh ever! MG and Lisa Falling over (MG pushed over by Lisa) nearly pissed my pants laughing! went off clubbing made em dance lol!!!

got home, fell asleep on chair, woke up and made MG come pub again! HAD A WICKED TIME! Roll on 4 weeks time lol xxx

free £5 shopping voucher!!!

davidsharpe — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 09:23:37 +0000

Hiya Call Freephone No.....0800 032 4756

You will be asked Post Code .. DOB

Asked what are the benefits of Benecol Products..... LOWERS CHOLESTROL

Also what item you use ... l said low fat spread and yoghurts

AND .....the last 2 numbers ( the serial no on your pack ) mine is 91.

Voucher comes through the post and can be used on anything in Tesco Asda etc

Good morning

davidsharpe — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 07:51:16 +0000

Good morning all! Well finally recovered from the weekend I think lol, had a cracking time with far too much alcohol consumed but what the heck eh! lol xxxx