crazy79 blog on Absolute Radio

call centre conversations.. Part 2

crazy79 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:56:10 +0000

Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one ??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is ??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over ??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark ??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window'.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not ??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in ??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really ? Is it that bad ?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them ??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer !!!!!'

call centre conversations...

crazy79 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:52:42 +0000

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: [male] 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you ?'
Caller: [Female ] 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble ??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away ?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now ?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing ??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out ??'
Caller: 'How do I tell ?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen ??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt ?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen ?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator ??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor ?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on ??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that ??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: &nbs

Best OUT OF OFFICE email auto-replies

crazy79 — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 21:21:08 +0100
Best OUT OF OFFICE email auto-replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE BISCUIT:

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

men and women.. (it's not that difficult..) ;)

crazy79 — Sat, 12 May 2007 18:14:52 +0100
It's not difficult.
------------------
To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
-------------------------

1. Sh*g him
2. Be sexy

2. Leave him in peace

London Values.... ;)

crazy79 — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 11:42:14 +0100
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it
off to his colleagues.

As he's gettin out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along
too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile
and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man
starts screaming hysterically:

" My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter
how long at the panel beaters - it'll never be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes
his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody
Londoners are" he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life".
" How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.

"The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........

FUCKING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex????..."

true words *snigger*

crazy79 — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 00:12:41 +0100
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm
while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practising law somewhere.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

crazy79 — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 23:09:44 +0100

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have noco-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Women and Cash Machines... ;)

crazy79 — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 20:05:05 +0000

HSBC Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new Drive-Through Cash Point Machines, whereby our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures that apply to you, and remember them for when you use our machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into slot and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3. Re-start the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card into machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. After "Invalid Card" is displayed, remove "Marks & Spencer" Charge Card and insert correct Cash Point Card.

11. Remove Cash Point Card.

12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.

13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

14. Enter PIN.

15. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

16. Enter amount of cash required.

17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

18. Retrieve cash and receipt.

19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

20. Place receipt in back of chequebook.

21. Re-check make-up.

22. Drive forward 2 meters.

23. Reverse back to cash machine

24. Retrieve card.

25. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and place card into the slot

provided.

26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release handbrake.

hehe

crazy79 — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:50:52 +0000
Little April usually slept through class. One day the teacher called on her
while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When
April didn't stir, little Johnny,a boy seated in the chair behind her,took a
pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the
teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the
teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even
stir from her slumber. Once again,Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her
again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT YOUR ASS!" The Teacher fainted !!!!