citizenmalcolmcm13 blog on Absolute Radio

Goodaftermorning VIPers, The return of The Prodigal Nutty Prof!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:54:29 +0000

Dearest Friends, After several months, coming round to Absolute bit by bit, many comment on my absent jokes. Sorry I’ve not received many, nor looked for them. Just a few text messages I’ve received, others may have seen? A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse & tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted cashier & without missing a beat says; ”Well that’s great! That’s real great! Some arsole’s got my pen! A Jewish boy is born with no eyelids! Doctors say they can operate using old foreskins but his mother is worried it will make him cock-eyed! When asked if I preferred legs or breasts I told her that I had a particular fondness for smooth fannies. She then told me that that wasn’t an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket! I’ve just seen a dog in the garden shagging a cabbage! Silly bastad must’ve thought it was a collie! 2 honeymooning ducks in a hotel realise they forgot condoms!I’ll call room service & he asks the receptionist for some. She says OK sir, do you want me to put them on your bill?No you daft twat! I’ll suffocate! God bless

Malcolm X

Farmer & his mule: Variation on the long file of men behind a hearse!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:25:17 +0100

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Tinkle Happy Hippie Vippie Saturday!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:46:52 +0100

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

ROOM 302; I'll remember this & my dear friend Debbie every time I see a hospital.. Love to all, your Nutty Prof!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:49:17 +0100

A sweet grandmother telephoned University Community Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Betty Miller", Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news.
Her nurse has told me that Betty is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Garcia, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Betty your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Betty in 302. No one tells me shit."

Goodaftermorning VIPers! Just a few quickies for now! Sorry to any Irish!...

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:53:52 +0100

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.

Irish ~Jokes
Where do you find an Irish woodworm?
Dead inside a brick.

How do know if a fish is Irish?
It has drowned.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Ring him up while he is ironing.

How do you keep an Irishman busy?
Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash?
He's the one on the bike.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
Knock on the hatch.

An Irish man walked around the world...
He drowned.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
2001. One to hold the bulb and 2000 to turn the house round!!

My Eldest is getting married, sometime in the future!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:09:05 +0100

Dear Friends,When I got a text from my daughter saying she’d accepted proposition of marriage with Arnaud, I thought she implied that it would be this year. Wrong! They’ll think about it during summer hols, either next year or 2010!At least, that makes it more difficult for the mum of Rebecca & Nathan to deprive them seeing their ½ sister get married. That means I’ll be able to see them in decent conditions, even if their mum only lets them stay 1 day, I’ll probably shed tears, starting with joy being with ALL my kids for a short moment is worth any pain physically travelling or emotion when time to say “Goodbye.”Who knows what tomorrow holds? Suddenly I have something to look forward to. Thanks to all who prayed.With sincere affection to allMalcolm X

Concessions for disabled at Royal Albert Hall

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Sat, 24 May 2008 20:46:11 +0100

Hi folks! I'm rather excited at the prospect of seeing The Moody Blues in The Royal Albert Hall Oct 7th. When I booked the tickets, asking about disabled access, I was told I was entitled to a FREE ticket for the person accompanying me! £33 + 3.50 booking & Free £33 ticket!

Friend likes Moody Blues but doesn't drive, thinking of sharing a taxi (yes, from Essex!)

Main thing is that other disabled people might be able to get there with a little help from a friend!

1st 45rpm I bought was "Go Now!" Loved them ever since! Their songs express most of the emotions I've experienced & in many ways tell my life story!

Eve's side of the story?

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:35:44 +0100

(I DON’T agree Snarl!!!!)
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights - everything is wonderful. But I have just one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as her limbs eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God. "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those. But I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away."

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

"God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see . . . Where did I put that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that silly business about the rib?

Pedro, seen long ago by many, worth recycling?

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Mon, 12 May 2008 17:39:58 +0100

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, The son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of Blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the People, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you Do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The Teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Teacher,

Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,

Someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006

Slowly, bits of The Nutty Prof are coming back to the future! Thanks to all

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:19:26 +0100

Hi FRIENDS! My 1st blog in months has to be to thank James (ELObsessive) fordriving hundreds of miles to pick Taz & Irene up to come & drag me out of my house for the 1st time this year!Many noticed my absence & expressed concern.This is a COMMUNITY & there are loads of wonderful people to share joys & sorrows with.Many have shared both with me & I’mgrateful to all of you. Sorry the jokes have dried up for now & I will be slow at responding to shouts or comments but this has been a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. *** GROUP HUGS *** for all who encouraged me, Laura calling from Argentina, MusicDetective aka emdee in Japan, texts of support & Taz related the affection of all those who wondered where The Nutty Prof had gone! Not yet fully back from the future it’seasier taking 1 day at a time. With sincere affection to all

Malcolm X

Goodaftermorning VIPers! Shame about the ice cream flavour!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:55:49 +0000

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk behind the counter apologizes and and states that they are out of chocolate and would the madam like to choose a different flavor. The woman says "Oh! in that case, I'll have chocolate. The clerk again apologizes and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, states again that they are out of chocolate.

"Is there another flavor that I can get for you?", he asks.

The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate."

The clerk who is getting agitated says, "Look. WE ARE OUT OF CHOCOLATE!"

The woman asks for chocolate again! The clerk, who is extremely pissed, tells the woman: "Spell VAN as in vanilla."

The woman spells out "V-A-N."

"Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry."

The woman spells out

"S-T-R-A-W".

"Ok." says the clerk, "Now spell FUCK as in Chocolate."

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Hey! Their's no 'FUCK' in 'chocolate'!"

And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Sorry for the late arrival! NOT autbiography!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 23:34:02 +0000

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?" He was asked.

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?" he was asked.

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." The marine said.

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." The marine said.

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.

Goodaftermorning VIPers! The truth about a latex factory!

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:34:04 +0000

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business”

Goodevening VIPers! 13th time lucky?

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 19:56:12 +0000

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was--God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed.

As I roll another & say Goodnight, just a quick way of putting people off using drugs?

citizenmalcolmcm13 — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 20:15:54 +0000

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" The judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honour, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, 'This small circle is your asshole before prison....'"