baron1uk blog on Absolute Radio

2nd day of not smoking

baron1uk — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 10:15:00 +0100

Surprised i even got through the first day...not saying it was easy though. Feel a bit rough this morning and could do with a cigarette at the moment but will hold out.

Steve

The First Day

baron1uk — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 07:59:00 +0100

Today is the first day without a cigarette.........got my patch on and hoping for the best.

It is early but i have reached out or looked for my bacca 3 times already.

I have been a smoker for over 30 years and this is going to be a real hard thing for me to do.

Keep your fingers crossed for me please

Steve

Gun Shop

baron1uk — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 10:08:00 +0100

A woman walks into a sporting-goods store and asks the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she explains.

“Did he tell you what calibre to get?” asks the salesman.

“Are you kidding? He doesn’t even know I’m gonna shoot him.”

Shocked Teacher

baron1uk — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:56:00 +0100

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she
was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the
weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your
GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had
done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on
a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then
asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's
WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Funny Doctor

baron1uk — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 07:21:00 +0100

Doctor Nick walks into his office to talk to a patient. He looks at the patient and says: “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like?”

“The good news,” the patient says.

“Well, the good news is we’re gonna name a disease after you.”

funny

baron1uk — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:20:00 +0100

CONDOMS...a must
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen
anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well,
give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry,
there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror,
"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your
only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely
lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
What, cut you dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that w ay.
No need to opelate!" "Oh,
Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "Youno worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!
You save money."

My dad is better than yours

baron1uk — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 07:37:00 +0100

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

A dilemma......What would you do ?

baron1uk — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 07:36:00 +0100

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the Box."

HOWEVER...

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings!

Lost Wives

baron1uk — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 07:34:00 +0100

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, “I’m sorry, I was looking for my wife.”

“What a coincidence. So am I, and I’m getting a little desperate,” says the other man.

“Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?”

“She’s tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?”

“Oh, never mind. Let’s look for yours!”

Three Black Men

baron1uk — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 06:55:00 +0100

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Behind every man there is a smart woman ( apparently )

baron1uk — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 20:37:00 +0100

Barbara Walters of television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in
Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She
noted
that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind
their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the
overthrow of
the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further
back behind their husbands and
are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why
do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters
straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, "Land Mines."

Ouch lol

baron1uk — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 20:58:00 +0100

Paddy goes to the Doctor, complaining that his constipation is so bad, he hasn't passed anything for a fortnight.

The Doctor asks his to drop his pants and bend over. After examining him, the Doctor leaves the room, and returns with a pick-axe.

WHAM! RIGHT UP THE ASS!!! Paddy wails in pain, then suddenly realises, there's shit everywhere! His

Tell my, Paddy," the Doctors asks, "Do you happen to be working on a building site?"

"Tat's roight, Doc! How did ye guess?"

"Well, next time you go for a shit, DON'T use an old cement bag to wipe your arse!"

Mood Ring

baron1uk — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 19:41:00 +0100

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f****ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Thank you Virgin Radio

baron1uk — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:45:00 +0100

At the moment we are just getting ready to go up to London to see Van Morrison at the Albert Hall due to winning the competition

Many thanks to VR for the chance and we are really excited about this event.

Steve

Drunk

baron1uk — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 12:34:00 +0100

   A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people
have
sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's
for
making them fat."
      The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

      The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

      The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

     The man says,

       "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept

with."