annelockhart_msn.com blog on Absolute Radio

Loose Grips & Extra Strokes!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:21:00 +0100

A sign posted at a local golf club...

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good.
Now flush the urinal, wash your hands,
go outside, and tee off.

Tasty Sex Therapy!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:18:00 +0100

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

Really Long Cucumbers!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:16:00 +0100

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

The Mermaid's Horny!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:55:00 +0100

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The

situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the

situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me

five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not

enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to

the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his

request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

100 Beautiful Women!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:54:00 +0100

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the

women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way

corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Take A Whiff!

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 08:52:00 +0100

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"

Shy & Virginal.

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:51:00 +0100

A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced.

When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus. Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score is, and she's even a natural blonde.

The roommate arranged the date as promised.

The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing.

On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy."

"I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail."

If God Were A Woman.

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:50:00 +0100

Sex would smell like chocolate.

Farts would smell like roses.

Dogs would smell spring fresh.

Babies would come from vending machines.

Men would be born with a permanent erection.

All women would have the same size breasts.

There would be no cellulite.

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.

There would be no "Titty Bars." Male Revue would continue.

Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii.

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

Men would come with software to be custom designed.

Men would come equipped with a homing device for quick location by wife.

Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of the truth.

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

The Nuns Are Coming!

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:48:00 +0100

Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent. They got on their bicycles and began their trip. Once in town, the nuns turned down an old, cobbled side street.

The first nun says to the other, "I don't think I've ever come this way before."

The other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles!"

LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:47:00 +0100

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"

Glasgow cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon

PASTOR NORTON.

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:46:00 +0100

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach the sermon for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Church. > > Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Pastor Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished! He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" > > The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Too Much Testosterone!

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:43:00 +0100

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles, and we need to talk about them too!"

The Coolest Dad In The Universe.

annelockhart_msn.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 12:42:00 +0100

He was 50 years old when I was born, and a "Mr. Mom" long before anyone had a name for it. I didn't know why he was home instead of Mom, but I was young and the only one of my friends who had their dad around. I considered myself very lucky.

Dad did so many things for me during my grade-school years. He convinced the school bus driver to pick me up my house instead of the usual bus stop that was six blocks away. He always had my lunch ready for me when I came home - usually a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that was shaped for the season. My favorite was at Christmas. The sandwiches would be sprinkled with green sugar and cut in the shape of a tree.

As I got a little older and tried to gain my independence, I wanted to move away from those "childish" signs of his love. But he wasn't going to give up. In high school and no longer able to go home for lunch, I began taking my own. Dad would get up a little early and make it for me. I never knew what to expect. The outside of the sack might be covered with his rendering of a mountain scene (it became his trademark) or a heart inscribed with "Dad-n-Angie K.K." in its center. Inside there would be a napkin with that same heart or an "I love you." Many times he would write a joke or a riddle, such as "Why don't they ever call it a momsicle instead of a popsicle?" He always had some silly saying to make me smile and let me know that he loved me.

I used to hide my lunch so no one would see the bag or read the napkin, but that didn't last long. One of my friends saw the napkin one day, grabbed it, and passed it around the lunch room. My face burned with embarrassment. To my astonishment, the next day all my friends were waiting to see the napkin. From the way they acted, I think they all wished they had someone who showed them that kind of love. I was so proud to have him as my father. Throughout the rest of my high school years, I received those napkins, and still have a majority of them.

And still it didn't end. When I left home for college (the last one to leave), I thought the messages would stop. But my friends and I were glad that his gestures continued. I missed seeing my dad every day after school and so I called him a lot. My phone bills got to be pretty high. It didn't matter what we said; I just wanted to hear his voice.

We started a ritual during that first year that stayed with us. After I said good-bye he always said, "Angie?"

"Yes, Dad?" I'd reply.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad."

I began getting letters almost every Friday. The front-desk staff always knew who the letters were from - the return address said "The Hunk." Many times the envelopes were addressed in crayon, and along with the enclosed letters were usually drawings of our cat and dog, stick figures of him and Mom, and if I had been home the weekend before, of me racing around town with friends and using the house as a pit stop. He also had his mountain scene and the heart-encased inscription, Dad-n-Angie K.K.

The mail was delivered every day right before lunch, so I'd have his letters with me when I went to the cafeteria. I realized it was useless to hide them because my roommate was a high school friend who knew about his napkins. Soon it became a Friday afternoon ritual. I would read the letters, and the drawing and envelope would be passed around.

It was during this time that Dad became stricken with cancer. When the letters didn't come on Friday, I knew that he had been sick and wasn't able to write. He used to get up at 4:00a.m. so he could sit in the quiet house and do his letters. If he missed his Friday delivery, the letters would usually come a day or two later. But they always came.

My friends used to call him "Coolest Dad in the Universe." And one day they sent him a card bestowing that title, signed by all of them. I believe he taught all of us about a father's love. I wouldn't be surprised if my friends started sending napkins to their children. He left an impression that would stay with them and inspire them to give their own children their expression of their love.

Throughout my four years of college, the letters and phone calls came at regular intervals. But then the time came when I decided to come home and be with him because he was growing sicker, and I knew that our time together was limited. Those were the hardest days to go through. To watch this man, who always acted so young, age past his years. In the end he didn't recognize who I was and would call me the name of a relative he hadn't seen in many years. Even though I knew it was due to his illness, it still hurt that he couldn't remember my name.

I was alone with him in his hospital room a couple of days before he died. We held hands and watched TV. As I was getting ready to leave, he said, "Angie?"

"Yes, Dad?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad."

Aren,t our dad,s the coolest. Please remember them this Fathers day.

Sex International.

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:18:00 +0100

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle de back of her knees, she floats ah 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick zasoles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!"

Big Feet, Big Willy?

annelockhart_msn.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:17:00 +0100

A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on the table. He has the biggest feet she has ever seen.

The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what is said about men with big feet.

The cowboy says, "It sure is, why not come with me over to my place and let me prove it to you?"

She figures why not, and so she spends the night with him.

The next morning she hands him a £100.00

Blushing, he stammers, "I'm very flattered, ain't nobody ever paid me for my services before."

To this the woman replied, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"