angelofnorth blog on Absolute Radio

big 5-0 today

angelofnorth — Fri, 22 May 2009 08:56:00 +0100

Happy Birthday Morrissey, WOW that's a landmark

A Pun-ny Thing Happened On My Way To ....

angelofnorth — Wed, 06 May 2009 09:20:00 +0100

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The Coroner

angelofnorth — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:56:00 +0100

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Did You Ever ???.........

angelofnorth — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 09:36:00 +0100

Friday giggles................

angelofnorth — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:36:00 +0100

( hiya, we're back on-line, after nearly 3 days, thanks ever so to Virgin Media, will we get any discount from the Bill? PMSL.....we all know the ANSWER to that! )

anyway, W/E best everyone xOx

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

20. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

'Our Phil' thinks this is hilarious........

angelofnorth — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 09:46:00 +0100

A bereaved wife went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him, she started to cry. The undertaker walked over to provide some comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears, she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, although she couldn't afford to buy him any new clothes.

The undertaker apologised and explained that traditionally, they always dress the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could do at such short notice.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart new blue suit.

She says to the undertaker, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon just after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she wanted him to be buried in black," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled thankfully at the undertaker.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."

Office Terms

angelofnorth — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 08:52:00 +0000

Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.

Prairie dogging: When something happens in a call centre with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organization layers beginning just above the rank of call centre manager. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.

Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the company’s web browsing rule of conduct.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."

Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

404 Peep: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Genuine Complaint to Edinburgh Police

angelofnorth — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 09:49:00 +0000

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in
Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn
their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend
them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me?I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address /telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???

?????????????

Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five
or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you
the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both
within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large
one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

Birthday boy of the day = zeus

angelofnorth — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 09:50:00 +0000

Happy Hump-day everyone

today is zeus's birthday too

he's @ http://www.absoluteradio.co.uk/vip/profile/zeus/

Street Interviews

angelofnorth — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 09:33:00 +0000

conducted by Market Researchers

I got stopped by one of them market researchers the other day.

She said,"Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions"?

I said,"Ok,go right ahead then"

"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?"she asked.

"Don't think so",I replied.

She said,"And finally question ten".

With Thanks to 'Our' Phil ...

angelofnorth — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:53:00 +0000

Newspaper Headlines in Year 2035

Castro finally dies at 112: Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim Dies In The British Territory Of The Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon) .

35 Year Study: Diet And Exercise Is Key To Weight Loss.

Nursing Home: Bill Clinton Denies Allegations Of Affair With Head nurse

New Law Requires Alll Nail Clippers And Screwdrivers To Be Registered By January 2036.

Postal Service Raises Price Of First Class Stamp To 17.89. Mail Delivery To Wednesday Only.

Terminator 17 Smashes Box Office: Featuring Stem Cell Cloned Arnie

CIA Archives Opened: George W. Bush Was A Humanoid Robot Loosely Modeled On His Father

Britney Spears Comeback: Golden Oldies Concert

Exasperated Pope Gives Muslims The Finger

Elephants, Great White Sharks And Robins All Extinct.

McDonalds Opens In Public Schools

EBay Fees Have Reached 53% Of Purchase Price

Boy Falls Down Stairs Playing New Retinal Implant Video Game

J. K. Rowling Releases Harry Potter and the Divorce from Hell

well I enjoyed 'em :)

Just had to share this ......

angelofnorth — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 09:39:00 +0000

The mystery of Ireland's worst immigrant driver, a Pole logged on the police computer as Prawo Jazdy for more than 50 motoring offences, has been solved, local media reported Friday.

Police realised Prawo Jazdy means driving licence in Polish

Prawo Jazdy seemed to repeatedly get tickets after being stopped by the traffic corps throughout the country for a range of motoring offences.

It appeared that to keep one step ahead of the authorities, the Polish motor menace gave a different address every time he was stopped.

Finally the vital clue emerged that brought Prawo's motoring mayhem to an end: Police realised Prawo Jazdy means driving licence in Polish.

An internal police memo from a member of the police traffic division leaked to The Irish Times newspaper says that it had come to his attention that colleagues inspecting Polish driving licences were noting Prawo Jazdy as the licence holder's name.

"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," the memo said.

The policeman found that computer system had created Prawo "as a person with over 50 identities".

A police spokesman told AFP that as soon as the misreading of the licences had been discovered "the matter was rectified very quickly".

Good Morning Everyone xOx

angelofnorth — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:12:00 +0000

Angel's back, trying to catch up & thank you all for the good wishes, it's taking a little longer than I first thought, so I am sorry if I haven't got around to you YET! I will & that's a promise, OK I have some work to attend to now.... big hugs all around xOx

Hiya VIP's

angelofnorth — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:26:00 +0000

yes it's me ...

Vix has got me settled @ P.C. in Library, & gone for the major supermarket sweep, LOL

Don't know how long I've got before being collected, so a quick thank you to everyone who has left me words of support & encouragement......... I do swear that eventually, I will reply to you all.

but a MASSIVE THANKS GUYS, you know the major culprits too, LOLA :) XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Never, Ever

angelofnorth — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 09:53:00 +0000