just popped in to say...

ajwcoleman — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:11:00 +0100

...that I've been made redundant so won't be able to post (any?) so many Cr*ppy Jokes until I'm back in gainful employment.

Thanks to everyone would read &/or commented on my posts.

In the immortal words of Arnie: "I will be back"

Nighty night peeps xxx

Thursday's (is it Thursday already....?) Cr*ppy Jokes

ajwcoleman — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:12:00 +0100

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

'What can I get you?' the barman asks.

'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man. He then downs the shots.

'Wow, six shots? Are you celebrating something?' says the barkeep

'Yeah, my first blowjob.' says the young'un

'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'

The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'

_____________________________________

A man walks into a bar. He navigates his way through the crowd of people to the bar counter. He takes off his coat and hat, and calls the bartender over and asks for a beer.

He gets his drink, and after about 20 minutes of drinking he hears a small voice say, "Nice jacket!" The man looks up, and then side to side trying to find the source of the small voice in the rowdy bar. After a short time of searching he shakes his head and shrugs it off.

He drinks his beer for a while, watching the TV behind the bar. About 15 minutes later he hears another small voice to his side say "Nice hat!" The man then whips around to try and find out who said it. He looks around the entire bar to find out where the voice came from. He then shuffles back to the bar shrugging it off once more.

He orders another beer and continues to drink. Then about 10 minutes later he hears the small voice say "Nice shoes!" This time the man is determined where the source of the voice is.

He asks the bartender, "Do you hear a small voice saying things?" and the bartender replies, "Oh, it’s just the peanuts. They’re complementary."

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke (well not really a joke, more of a.... well you work it out)

ajwcoleman — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:25:00 +0100

To all Employees: It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore we have implemented the following list:
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se- hole

5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face..

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

14. Try Saying: I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that Instead Of: I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

15. Try Saying: Sorry - I didn't quite catch that Instead Of: What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

16. Try Saying: Do you really think so ? Instead Of: No sh*t Sherlock

17. Try Saying: Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ? Instead Of: Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

18. Try Saying: There is a cleaner required in the lavatories Instead Of: I'd give that a while

19. Try Saying: He's / she's quite attractive Instead Of: I'd do it

20. Try Saying: He does have a tendency to procrastinate Instead Of: He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

Wednesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 10:35:00 +0100

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in London's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve pounds for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand pounds more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the shop, two live rats emerge from a sewer and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, cellars, vacant buildings, and rubbish bins. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats a mile long and a hundred yards wide is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into the Thames with the other as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the embankment following the bronze into the river, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze estate agent."

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 11:43:00 +0100

Paddy says to Michael, "I took some steroids last week at the gym and I've grown another todger!"
Michael says, "Anabolic?"
Paddy says, "No, just the extra cock"

Monday's (is it Monday today - I've been drinking for quite some time.....) Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:41:00 +0100

A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside looking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door.
The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married, and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days. The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn, where they retire to immediately.
A few days go by and there is no sign of the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up, "Are you all right in there?"
"Yes thank you," comes the reply.
"Aren't you getting hungry?" asked the farmer, "You haven't been out for a week."
"It's all right," comes the reply, "we're living off the fruits of love."
"Well," said the farmer, "I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window, they're choking the ducks!"

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:50:00 +0100

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked.

'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:47:00 +0100

A man on a golf has a really tricky putt to make par.
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Friday's Two for One Credit Crunch Cr*ppy Crackers

ajwcoleman — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 08:46:00 +0000

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle and opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to the Canaries but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to the Canaries."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the road and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the tarmac that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

There was total silence while the genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, you want two lanes or four on that road?"
_____________________________________________
This guy walks into a bar. As he walks up to the bar he notices a 12-inch man playing the piano, so he asks the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender says he will tell him later.Then he asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender then says, "Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish."
"Ok," says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it. BOOM! Out comes a genie, who then says, "You have one wish."
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and the genie disappears. Suddenly the man is sitting there with a million ducks all around him.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Hey, I didn't want a million ducks!"
And the bartender replies, "You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

BTW A Clip Joint is slang for a brothel ....

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:22:00 +0000

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed £1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put £1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, £4,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a barber," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he work?"

"Well, he has one clip joint in Soho and another in Portsmouth."

Wednesday's Cr*ppy Joke (and they're going back to being CR*PPY!)

ajwcoleman — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 08:55:00 +0000

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a brand new watch so he asks him how he got it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my parent's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch just to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a good idea stayed awake that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his parent's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked his father gruffly.

"I wanna watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down, shut up and close the door, there's a draft going right up my jacksy!", replied the father.

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 12:25:00 +0000

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you darling, what would you like me to bring home for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
'So, sweetheart, how was the trip?'
'Very good , thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl."

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl..............'

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:48:00 +0000
A man died in a horrible fire. The undertaker thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's drinking pals, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the undertaker straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Undertaker: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two arseholes."

Undertaker: "What? How could he have two arseholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two arseholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people all around say, "Here comes George with the two arseholes!"

Friday's Cr*ppy Jokefest .... well letters to Viz ....

ajwcoleman — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 09:03:00 +0000

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

What's gone wrong with the world today, nowdays I can't even beat the wife about a bit without fear of intervention from social services or even fear of prosecution. It's PC gone mad.

Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

Any complaints please direct to Viz, the blogger bears no responsibility for upset caused by reading the above rants.... Have a nice weekend everyone


hangover wednesday's cr*ppy joke......my head hurts.....

ajwcoleman — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 10:47:00 +0000
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

ajwcoleman blog on Absolute Radio

just popped in to say...

Thursday's (is it Thursday already....?) Cr*ppy Jokes

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke (well not really a joke, more of a.... well you work it out)

Wednesday's Cr*ppy Joke

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

Monday's (is it Monday today - I've been drinking for quite some time.....) Cr*ppy Joke

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke

Friday's Two for One Credit Crunch Cr*ppy Crackers

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke

Wednesday's Crppy Joke (and they're going back to being CRPPY!)

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke

Friday's Cr*ppy Jokefest .... well letters to Viz ....

hangover wednesday's cr*ppy joke......my head hurts.....