ajwcoleman blog on Absolute Radio

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 12:53:36 +0000

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up..

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the bloody height of this flagpole, but we don't have a bloody ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height and she gives us the bloody length.'

Wednesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 10:54:04 +0000

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Tuesday's Cr*ppy Joke - was backstage at Brixton last night ..feel pretty bally awful today.....

ajwcoleman — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 12:32:42 +0000

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.

'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny then suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke - I am off to see Weller tonight - woop woop!

ajwcoleman — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 10:55:02 +0000

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him as it probably shows all the signs of a really caring man at home with his femine side.

She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”

The man says, “You can take any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Friday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 10:30:39 +0000

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:59:09 +0000

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Wednesday's Cr*ppy Joke

ajwcoleman — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 11:26:52 +0000

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate - shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever compare to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died - I married his fucking widow.'

Tuesday's (really, and I mean really, rude) Cr*ppy joke

ajwcoleman — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 10:26:20 +0000

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your p*ssy?"

"F*ck off, no you can't smell my p*ssy! You f*cking pervert" the woman yells back at him,

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your breath then".

Monday's Cr*ppy Joke.....

ajwcoleman — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:23:37 +0000

Last night I dreamed that I died and went to heaven. So, I'm dead and just after the Pearly Gates I meet St. Peter in a room full of clocks. I ask him what these clocks are for, and he tells me that they are masturbation clocks, everyone has their name on one and when they masturbate the clock moves ahead by one hour. So I see my clock up there and I see some of my friend's clocks up there. But, I don't see Brian Murphy’s clock anywhere. So I ask St. Peter, "Where’s Brian Murphy from Absolute Radio’s Breakfast Show’s clock?"And St. Peter replies, "We keep that in the back room and use it as a fan.”

Friday's (two-for-one) Cr*ppy Joke - bit rude today.....

ajwcoleman — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:02:52 +0000

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off that wet floor!!'

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

Thursday's Cr*ppy Joke.....

ajwcoleman — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 10:10:25 +0000

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher'

Hangover kicking in now....

Wednesday's Cr*ppy joke

ajwcoleman — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 11:22:24 +0000

I'm feeling rather spiffing today, what with the weather, DollBurrell on the Breakfast Show and I'm going out to lunch and I may be sometime.....so two jokes today you lucky people!

Chap walks into a bar and requests a triple whiskey. Barman serves him, the chap downs the drink in one and asks for another, which he downs in one as well.
The barman asks, " Are we celebrating anything today sir?"
The chap replies, "Yes, actually, I oral sex for the first time ever today."
"Congratulations," says the barman, "have one on the house."
"That's everso kind", says the chap, "but no thanks, if six whiskeys can't get rid of the taste......"

A large piece of black tarmac walks into a bar.
"A pint and a whiskey chaser, barman and hurry up for I AM A VERY HARD PIECE OF TARMAC. GRRRR"
The barman scurries about and starts to serve the piece of tarmac. As he's doing so a small red piece of tarmac enters the bar, seeing this, the black piece of tarmac hurdles the bar and hides in the cellar.
The barman noting this occurrence goes into the cellar and says to the black tarmac "I thought you said you were a hard piece of tarmac, that little tiny piece of red tarmac comes into the bar and you (pardon my French) shit yourself and go into hiding!!"
To which the black piece of tarmac replies "I might be a hard piece of tarmac but that little red fella out there, well, he's a cyclepath"

da dum dum tish!

Tuesday's cr*ppy joke

ajwcoleman — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 09:57:34 +0000

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND: Sh*T !

Monday's cr*ppy joke

ajwcoleman — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:42:43 +0000

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you're the first ..." This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "...but they probably weren't vets."

Friday's cr*ppy veritable jokefest!!!!

ajwcoleman — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:12:51 +0000

How many Technical Support folks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have ? Okay, exactly how dark is it ? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong.... Have you tried turning it off and on???

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to kick the balls of any man who even tries to volunteer his help

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A goldfish

How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek, "Fabulous!"

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, and it's pretty bloody hard to get them in there

How many blokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the b*tch can cook in the dark.

And finally:

A prostitute was having a little trouble drumming up business, so she decided to introduce a gimmick into her marketing strategy.
She had Nick Clegg's face tattooed on her left inner thigh, and Chris Huhne's face tattooed on her right inner thigh. She told customers that if they could name the political figures imprinted on her, they could have her services free: otherwise they would pay double.
One client was playing this game one evening. Looking back and forth between the images, he said,"Nah...nup. I don't know either of them. But that guy in the middle is definitely Vince Cable."