_HeatherJ blog on Absolute Radio

Why you should not swallow your chewing gum...‏

_HeatherJ — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:45:36 +0000

Hope this worked....

Auld Folks!!

_HeatherJ — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 10:45:32 +0000

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa!"

I'm back..... whats new?

_HeatherJ — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:45:17 +0000

Hey everyone......

Well what did I miss??

Did you all miss me???? I bet you's didn't!!! LOL

Hope your all keeping great!!

HOLIDAY!!!

_HeatherJ — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 11:47:00 +0000

I am heading off tonight to go on a weeks holiday to Tenerife!! I get back next friday and I'm heading to Birmingham for the weekend to see the top gear road show!! YEAY!!

I am so glad to be getting away from work for the week that I think I would be still be this happy if I was staying at home for a week! LOL (Although I am writing this in work and not doing any work at the moment... hee hee hee)

Talk to you all when I get back but you'll know why I dont reply to shouts etc for a week!

If you all cant be good.... just be good at being bad... ; ) LOL

Its Snowing

_HeatherJ — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 10:37:59 +0000

It is snowing in Northern Ireland!!

I love the snow... I hope it lies and then I'm gonna take a half day and go and build a snowman!!!!!! YEAY hee hee hee

And since I am the only one working in my lab today and the boss is away I am kinda my own boss...... which is even better.....

And its nearly coffee time........ better still!!!! So, so far I'm having a pretty good day!!

Hows everyone else today?

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007

_HeatherJ — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:39:54 +0100

6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5th Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4th Place A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3rd Place The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Place A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 'WINNER' A teacher at a police training college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

How to get banned from Tescos‏

_HeatherJ — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:44:52 +0100

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Thanks to all superheros

_HeatherJ — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 10:53:29 +0100

Thanks you all for the Birthday wishes!! I have a great weekend out celebrating the fact that I am another year older.... but obviously not any smarter.... lol.

An especially big thankyou to Taz and ElObsessive for there birthday blogs!!! I will try and get back to everyone who sent me a message..... as long as the boss doesn't catch me first..... hee hee hee

And hear is a little something for all my super hero VIP's (p.s- this is really rude!!! so don't click unless you really want to.....lol)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VwxhsL5anS0&feature=related

Rock Band

_HeatherJ — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:25:17 +0100

Well how is everyone out there in absolute radio land??

At the moment I am being subjected to my younger brother and his friends playing (or maybe that is attempting to play!!) war pigs by the awesome black sabbath on the Rock Band game on the xbox..... I think thet are murdering it!!!! Here's how it should be done...... lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GRR_n_yQGA

Hope everyone is having a good night!!!

Rock on!!!!

Office Dares (for anyone who's bored!! lol)

_HeatherJ — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:47:06 +0100

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 1) Run one lap around the office at top speed. 2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time). 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!". 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way". 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier. 9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open THREE-POINTS DARES 1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it". 3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). 5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT DARES 1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". 4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". 5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. 6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift. 7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!". 8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again." 9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights". 10)Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?". 11)Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". 12)Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it". 13)Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. 14)Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky pig,etc) during a very important conference call. 15)Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. 16)Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. 17)Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist. 18)During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 19)Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Pet Diaries

_HeatherJ — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:26:11 +0100

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B*stards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Genies..... sneaky buggers!!

_HeatherJ — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:33:28 +0100

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?????

Rocking Rabbit!!

_HeatherJ — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:22:55 +0100

How good are you?

Be very careful, it can be addicting. Click on the link below - and good

luck.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

What Religion Is Your Bra?

_HeatherJ — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:50:31 +0100

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

_HeatherJ — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 15:29:04 +0100

ever seen an advert that is just brill..... I love this one.. .. just thought I'd share it!!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7rAMAjVJqsA&feature=related

If you wanna add you own feel free... anything for a good giggle on a friday afternoon