_HeatherJ blog on Absolute Radio

Its been a while.... Hey everyone!!

_HeatherJ — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 10:44:00 +0000

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Morning

_HeatherJ — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:59:00 +0000

Hello AR VIPs

Hope you all had a lovely New year and a keeping well!!

I am back to work... as I am sure many of you are, but thankfully at the moment not working too hard... hee hee hee. I have managed to avoid the boss and hopefully it will last that way..... but I doubt it!!!

Take care and I will say "Hi" to you all asap!!

Hello

_HeatherJ — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 16:23:00 +0000

Hi everyone!!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and Santa was good to you all!! I had a great day but missed not having my older brother home (he had to work)!!

Haven't been on much so thought I'd say "Hi"...

Wishing everyone a great new year and I will hopefully chat to you all very soon.

Just a little funny!!

_HeatherJ — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:47:00 +0000

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,

'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Why you should not swallow your chewing gum...‏

_HeatherJ — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:45:00 +0000

Hope this worked....

Auld Folks!!

_HeatherJ — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 10:45:00 +0000

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa!"

I'm back..... whats new?

_HeatherJ — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:45:00 +0000

Hey everyone......

Well what did I miss??

Did you all miss me???? I bet you's didn't!!! LOL

Hope your all keeping great!!

HOLIDAY!!!

_HeatherJ — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 11:47:00 +0000

I am heading off tonight to go on a weeks holiday to Tenerife!! I get back next friday and I'm heading to Birmingham for the weekend to see the top gear road show!! YEAY!!

I am so glad to be getting away from work for the week that I think I would be still be this happy if I was staying at home for a week! LOL (Although I am writing this in work and not doing any work at the moment... hee hee hee)

Talk to you all when I get back but you'll know why I dont reply to shouts etc for a week!

If you all cant be good.... just be good at being bad... ; ) LOL

Its Snowing

_HeatherJ — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 10:37:00 +0000

It is snowing in Northern Ireland!!

I love the snow... I hope it lies and then I'm gonna take a half day and go and build a snowman!!!!!! YEAY hee hee hee

And since I am the only one working in my lab today and the boss is away I am kinda my own boss...... which is even better.....

And its nearly coffee time........ better still!!!! So, so far I'm having a pretty good day!!

Hows everyone else today?

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007

_HeatherJ — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:39:00 +0100

6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5th Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4th Place A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3rd Place The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2nd Place A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 'WINNER' A teacher at a police training college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

How to get banned from Tescos‏

_HeatherJ — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 10:44:00 +0100

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Thanks to all superheros

_HeatherJ — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 10:53:00 +0100

Thanks you all for the Birthday wishes!! I have a great weekend out celebrating the fact that I am another year older.... but obviously not any smarter.... lol.

An especially big thankyou to Taz and ElObsessive for there birthday blogs!!! I will try and get back to everyone who sent me a message..... as long as the boss doesn't catch me first..... hee hee hee

And hear is a little something for all my super hero VIP's (p.s- this is really rude!!! so don't click unless you really want to.....lol)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=VwxhsL5anS0&feature=related

Rock Band

_HeatherJ — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:25:00 +0100

Well how is everyone out there in absolute radio land??

At the moment I am being subjected to my younger brother and his friends playing (or maybe that is attempting to play!!) war pigs by the awesome black sabbath on the Rock Band game on the xbox..... I think thet are murdering it!!!! Here's how it should be done...... lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GRR_n_yQGA

Hope everyone is having a good night!!!

Rock on!!!!

Office Dares (for anyone who's bored!! lol)

_HeatherJ — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:47:00 +0100

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 1) Run one lap around the office at top speed. 2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time). 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!". 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way". 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier. 9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open THREE-POINTS DARES 1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it". 3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). 5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT DARES 1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". 4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two". 5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. 6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift. 7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!". 8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again." 9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights". 10)Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?". 11)Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". 12)Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it". 13)Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. 14)Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky pig,etc) during a very important conference call. 15)Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. 16)Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. 17)Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist. 18)During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 19)Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Pet Diaries

_HeatherJ — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:26:00 +0100

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favourite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B*stards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...