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(314 views)This is very very funny! Love it 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
Buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff
Completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
(108 views)Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
(136 views)Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent b*st*rd," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy...you explain the kids!"
(123 views)It was a grave matter in the old days in Scotland to hear of anyone, that they had "taken to their bed." It was normally a sign of impending death. The Scottish doctor never loitered by the wayside when he heard these ominous words. One wild October evening, Dr. Findlay got a message from a Perthshire farm that Flora MacDonald, the maid, had "taken to her bed." He knew Flora to be an honest lass, and quickly packed his bag and set out for the farm. He was soon shown to the room where Flora lay.
"Well, Flora," he asked, "what is wrong with you ?"
"I am just as you see me Doctor," was her reply.
Dr. Findlay looked at her tongue, felt her pulse, and surveyed her with an experienced eye. There seemed to be nothing wrong with her. She was a beautiful Scottish woman, apparently in glowing health. At last, in reply to his many searching questions, she blurted out, "It's this way, Doctor, I have not been paid any wages for the past six months, and I am going to stay in bed until I am paid my dues."
To Flora's surprise the doctor slipped off his overcoat and jacket.
"What are you going to, doctor ?" she asked, in alarm.
"Move over Flora, move over. I am going to lay beside you. They haven't paid any bills of mine for the past three years !"
(124 views)BEFORE MARRIAGE:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE:
Read again but . . . from bottom to top!!
(127 views)It's a cold frosty morning here, wrap up cosy if you're heading out in Scotland today (or Warrington)
:D xxx
Scary New Home Security ...
I hired a guard that patrols the area for door to door salespeople, certain religious groups, and beggars. I'm sending you a picture of her so you will know her when you come to visit. Click on the guard below.
http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf
(116 views)Well that's my wee girl home and I'm back to being a mum again
(you wouldn't have thought that if you'd seen me and San at foam party Friday night pmsl)
Time I went got the tea ready, may pop back later once Kaylyn's in bed. Bye for now, have a lovely evening if I don't get back
:D xxx
(124 views)Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured
him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it
with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you
promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!
"Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She
said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? "Here it
comes