SpikeB blog on Absolute Radio

Council Flat Comments

SpikeB — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:00:00 +0000

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to their Councils about problems with their flats.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. My neighbour's 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

CANNON BALLS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS ?

SpikeB — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 18:32:00 +0100

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends.

Police

SpikeB — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:14:00 +0100

A Wycombe Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting
many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was   standing up the road
with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Echuca with a Fine of £80   included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of   £80 The
police responded with another mailed photo of   handcuffs.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

SpikeB — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 21:14:00 +0100

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial air plane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?      Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?     November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?     Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?     Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?      New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial air plane?     Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too.

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel inadequate too.

Bob

SpikeB — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:59:00 +0100

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out
of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

A Jazz Chord

SpikeB — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:58:00 +0100

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig inTokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese
man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes
the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord"

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord"

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Be sure to read ALL the numbers

SpikeB — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:13:00 +0100

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1
                   2
                   3
                            4
     5
        6
                   7

                   8
                       9
10
11
       12
                   13
                   14
15
                   16
17
                           18
                   19
             20
                   21
                   22
       23
24
                   25
26

                                        27

                                       28
                 29

                                  30
Finished?
Scroll down   .....................

GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's

It takes so little to amuse old people.

Girls win

SpikeB — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:12:00 +0100

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the handsome lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Mary

Computers

SpikeB — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 22:11:00 +0100

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definately be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

A wee bit late

SpikeB — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:07:00 +0100

So I got to attend the Podcast Party hosted by The Geoff Show. It was a fantastic afternoon and so much better than having to write my essay that was due at collage.

I always thought that The Geoff Show Crew were spot on people, and was really excited about meeting them, but I'm telling you that in person they are such lovely people.

Jonathan Coulton seamed to have problems finding the studio but he was so worth the wait. He was a fantastic artist and I loved listening to him and playing my maraca.

Having the opportunity to ask The Geoff Show Crew questions was fantastic. I always though I was a giggler then I saw Annabel. She giggles more than I do.

To Geoff, Annabel and Nelson, you're wonderful people and you have got me even more addicted to you than before.

I have put some photos up and should show themselves soon.

Son's Love

SpikeB — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:33:00 +0000

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden!
That's where I buried the BODIES
Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

The Geoff Show - Ban the play list

SpikeB — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:32:00 +0000

I listened to The Geoff Show and I really enjoyed it. Not that I don't usually enjoy The Geoff Show, but it just felt like a breathe of fresh air. As much as I love the music that Virgin play, it does all feel a little stale and just a little over played. Listening to the lesser known music by well known artists, and listening to unsigned artists was a great way of spending the evening.

Perhaps we can start a petition where Geoff gets to 'ban the play list' once a month. That way virgin can still have their play list and can justify spending all their money on market research, but it also gives new artists an opportunity to try and break through in the music industry, which is what radio should be about. There could be a new segment 'Deal or No Deal' where the listeners can decide if the artist deserves to get a deal or not!

So join the band wagon with me and let's get The Geoff Show to BAN THE PLAY LIST once a month.

The Nurse

SpikeB — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:31:00 +0000

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,

'Well, that's great.......... that's really great ......... some a**hole has my pen.

Consultancy

SpikeB — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 09:50:00 +0000

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tyi ng this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.".

Men shouldn't think up rules.........

SpikeB — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:52:00 +0000

...it's bad for their health (at least it will be once all their significant others have read them!!!)

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules & please note these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.