Quofan1 blog on Absolute Radio

Good afternoon friends

Quofan1 — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:09:00 +0100

Thought i'd better drop in as last time i only left a blog.Hope all old friends and relations are keeping well,i just can't get on here as often as i'd like.She who must be obeyed has been giving me hell and says i don't spend enough time with her.I mean what's the difference between me sitting in my chair reading a book and saying nothing,and being in here talking to friends.If you can figure that out you're a a damn sight better than me.

We Breed Them Big

Quofan1 — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:01:00 +0100

A Scotsman is drinking in an Inverness Bar ...

He gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear
to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the pub because, he
announces, his wife has just gave birth to a typical Scottish baby boy
weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25pounds,
but the Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up North.
Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations
of "WOW!" and "Fuckin Hell!!" were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar.

The barman says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna
call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?
He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glen Fiddich and
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"We had him circumcised". ....................If that makes anyone jealous please feel free to change his nationality

MICKEY MOUSE

Quofan1 — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:11:00 +0100

Just a short joke to let everyone know i'm still alive....Big Hugs'n Kisses To All......

Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was fucking Goofy

Efficiency Expert

Quofan1 — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:14:00 +0100

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Talking Ducks

Quofan1 — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:58:00 +0100

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

Dinner For Three

Quofan1 — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:40:00 +0100

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

How 2 Win Prizes

Quofan1 — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:48:00 +0100

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
COST £5
So, he puts in five quid and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST £10
So he puts in 10 quid and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

Not 4 the faint hearted!!

Quofan1 — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 15:14:00 +0100

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

Cold Hands

Quofan1 — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 18:21:00 +0100

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter holiday. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For Gods Sake, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Not So Dumb!!!

Quofan1 — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:30:00 +0100

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £3,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

Not So Dumb!!!

Quofan1 — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 17:30:00 +0100

Sorry Yanks!!!

Quofan1 — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:14:00 +0100

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything.
The rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at the "gentleman's game," so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off.
The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold.
The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!"
He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!"
One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!"
The gay heard that and started shaking his friend,"Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

Sorry Yanks!!!

Quofan1 — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 15:14:00 +0100

Sorry Guys

Quofan1 — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 15:54:00 +0100

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

How Much??

Quofan1 — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:24:00 +0100

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"