Neil7 blog on Absolute Radio

Friday Joke

Neil7 — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:12:05 +0100

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, swig a beer, bet, swear, tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing together then please go ahead.But, I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so no coaching, okay."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to tee-off first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely ar*e as she bent to place her ball on the tee. Had one practice swing with her driver and then hit it 270 yards, right side of fairway.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get it all, too much fade."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a lob wedge and finished five feet from the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy sand iron would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for birdie.

Having the honour, she hit-off first on the second hole, ripped the tee shot some 300 yards, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and routinely shooting par along with another birdie.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was two under par, and had a very nasty left/right 12-foot breaking putt for birdie.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this lay-out.

If any one of you can tell me how to make this putt I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a heck of a good time for the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim 6 inches left of hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb bob. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the left of cup and let it run down that little hogback, so it dies into the hole."

The old grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY
WILL OVERCOME
YOUTH AND SKILL
EVERY TIME!

Some Monday moning cheer!

Neil7 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:34:48 +0100

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

/////

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'

////

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

////

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

////

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

Thursday Joke

Neil7 — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 08:52:46 +0100

A little girl walks in to the sitting room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

'Where does poo come from?' she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

'Well you know we just ate breakfast?'

'Yes,' answers the girl.

'Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever bad is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.'

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

'And where does Tigger come from then ?'

Monday Joke - Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World

Neil7 — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:27:31 +0000

Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

Afternoon Joke

Neil7 — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:32:09 +0000

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Because I'm A Man

Neil7 — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 10:44:18 +0000

This is a public service message for women
to better understand men.
------------------------------------------------------
Because I'm A Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in
the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long
after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA
is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied
upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our
appliances stops working, I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person
gets here, and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask
me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always, either sex, cars, sex,
sports, or sex. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to
ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't... and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I
will certainly at least remember the
name, and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. It does not make your ass look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and
margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all,
the year 2008, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and the dishes, and I'll do the rest . Like
wandering around in the garden with a
beer, wondering what to do.

An old joke!

Neil7 — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:22:32 +0000

You Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

Did you help him? She asks.

No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when
we
broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

Yes" comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

Friday Joke - TGIF!!!

Neil7 — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 08:46:20 +0000

The Moral of Auntie Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Irish Joke

Neil7 — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 13:50:32 +0000

Apologies to my irish friends and you are a bad person if you laugh at this! lol!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not Be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and Shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

Neil7 — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 09:32:03 +0000

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

T he rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Afternoon Joke

Neil7 — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 15:49:54 +0000

Bank Robbery

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "did you see
me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers "yes".

The robber, promptly, shoots him in
the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he
saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

Monday Morning Joke

Neil7 — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:54:56 +0000

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

More quotes about sex

Neil7 — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:33:25 +0000

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

Philosophy of Sex

Neil7 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:08:40 +0000

Philosophy of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

Ain't it the truth!

Neil7 — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:20:12 +0000

Ain't it the Truth!!! A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "62kg," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 70kg. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 4". She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"