Mel_Mel blog on Absolute Radio

Mind Boggler No 2 ...

Mel_Mel — Wed, 09 May 2007 06:31:00 +0100

The man/woman who makes me doesn't use me,

The man/woman who buys me doesn't use me,

The man/woman who uses me doesn't know about me,

What am I???

Mind Boggler ...

Mel_Mel — Wed, 09 May 2007 06:30:00 +0100

How do you spell candy with 2 letters??

Do you know the answer??

Music Downloads

Mel_Mel — Thu, 03 May 2007 06:49:00 +0100

So I was wondering if anyone knew of any websites where I can download music songs or mp3's of the fratellis, arctic monkeys, the kooks etc for free?? I have my normal sites I download from, but they don't exactly have the music REALLY want.. Any help would be really appreciated..

Cheers..

Especially for the Golfers - Don't swing...

Mel_Mel — Wed, 02 May 2007 04:00:00 +0100

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

Just for laughs....

Mel_Mel — Tue, 01 May 2007 07:29:00 +0100

Man comes home to find his 17yr old daughter with a pink dildo up, "what the hell u doin?" he shouts, "well you won't let me have a boyfrined so this is my substitute" she explains.

The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with the pink dildo up his arse drinking a can of beer, "what the hell you doin?" she shouts, he replys, "having a beer with your boyfriend".

Mathematics for Life

Mel_Mel — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 07:00:00 +0100

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it means to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

The little girl....

Mel_Mel — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:46:00 +0100

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her £50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady £1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

The Kiwi Farmer

Mel_Mel — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:29:00 +0100

A farmer in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The Kiwi hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Eye Test - Incredible

Mel_Mel — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 23:53:00 +0100

Test your eyes

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

...................... 3?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Ways to turn men down......

Mel_Mel — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 03:03:00 +0100

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

HE: Can I buy you a drink?

SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads

SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?

SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom, and as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan," he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. Half an hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#%king crow bar from Bunnings Hardware."

Heart burn

Mel_Mel — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 00:52:00 +0100

So I drank a bit too much alcohol on the weekend - I did actually have the whole weekend off work so went all out.. Rum and tequila in ridiculuos amounts causes me to get severe heart burn for days afterwards, my problem is that tomorrow is a public holiday and really want to get on the grog again tonight, does anyone know any sure cures for my awful heartburn so i get get merry tonight??

I am willing to try almost anything for a bit of relief..

Silly online games

Mel_Mel — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 01:29:00 +0100

So while I am sitting here at work cruising aroung VR, with obviously no real work to do my colleague and I play these silly online games..

The one we are kinda hooked on at the moment is located at www.freegamesonline.dk/funnygames/arcadegames/kittencannon/index.php

Check it out it gives us a laugh..