Mazzymagik blog on Absolute Radio

Good News

Mazzymagik — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:06:00 +0100

Gracie and Bridie were returned to their Mother this morning. Thanks every one.

Please help if you can

Mazzymagik — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 03:01:00 +0100

Tiffany Macneish (Kerang, Vic, Australia)

Wants to know where her exhusband has taken her children.....if you see a green Daewoo Laganza, with numberplate TIFMAC, please let me know. I am deadly serious. He left note saying he will be untrackable as not going to use visa card or mobile. He has packed car, and left. If you see him, or car, please contact nearest police station, as they are looking for them. Yes, I am beside myself. please fwd to all.

Tiffany's girls Gracie and Bridie are 7 & 3 years old.

Thank you all

We all hope the girls are found soon and very healthy

Please help if you can.

Mazzymagik — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:42:00 +0100

Tiffany Macneish (Kerang, Vic, Australia)

Tiffany's girls Gracie and Bridie are 7 & 3 years old.

Thank you all

We all hope the girls are found soon and very healthy

OOps

Mazzymagik — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 14:54:00 +0100

Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ....

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well, this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT

... Don't be SO disgusting. !

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

The Financial Crisis

Mazzymagik — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:31:00 +0100

The Question of the day IS

Will the Dollar Fall or Not?

Sorry to the Irish but these are funny

Mazzymagik — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 06:43:00 +0100

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!!!

Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!'

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jesus!' he said, 'I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'What’s his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the shit out of you if I could swim!'

The Woolworths Cat

Mazzymagik — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 14:53:00 +0100

The Woolworths Cat.

A blonde was whipper-snippering her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat,
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to Woolworths!

Why Woolworths?

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

Woolworths is the largest retailer in Australia.!!!

2 Celbs dead in one day

Mazzymagik — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:25:00 +0100

RIP

Michael Jackson

Farrah Fawcett

The Importance of Walking

Mazzymagik — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:25:00 +0100

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

Don't ever think you are stupid

Mazzymagik — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 07:44:00 +0100

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas

'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadel phia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President

'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle while campaigning

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

The Day the P*nis asked for a raise.

Mazzymagik — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 08:40:00 +0100

The Day the P*nis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina

Oh Now I know what I'm doing wrong

Mazzymagik — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 08:04:00 +0100

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

My Fav Song at the mo

Mazzymagik — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:51:00 +0100

Its by Eskimo Joe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7GFLLQbcF8

They are a great Ozzy band

Oh No Swine Flu Jokes.

Mazzymagik — Sat, 30 May 2009 03:37:00 +0100

Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu.

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic,
which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

Best of luck Mel (kevinspaceycadet) on your Wedding day

Mazzymagik — Fri, 29 May 2009 14:05:00 +0100

Best of luck,

Best wishes

All my love Melinda, on your wedding day.

29/05/2009

So wish I could be there to share it with you, Justice and Brigid.

XXXXXXXXXXXX