Mazzymagik blog on Absolute Radio

Rest Room?? Yeah Right Girls

Mazzymagik — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 13:50:10 +0000

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.
Send this to all women that need a good laugh.
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Someone to watch over you

Mazzymagik — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:25:17 +0000

For 2 nights in a row (at 2 am here) I have tried to post this and Absolute freezes on me and I have to shut down, I don't know why

Health Warning

Mazzymagik — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:56:58 +0000

If you feel like choking the living sh*t outa some one try this

Mazzymagik — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:37:22 +0000

I love the manic mode

I guess you need instructions. Click on link and a sheet of bubble wrap comes up. Click on the bubbles to make them pop or tick the box by manic mode and just roll your mouse over the bubble wrap.

http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

To All My Nutty Friends

Mazzymagik — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:23:19 +0000

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their arse is too fat............

10% of women think their arse is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!!!!

Find the Baby in this pic

Mazzymagik — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 08:59:09 +0000

History Mystery

Mazzymagik — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:00:56 +0000

History Mystery Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846..
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday .
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908 John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford..'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh?

The stuff that we miss in the movies I

Mazzymagik — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 07:32:11 +0000

Hey, Dude!.Put your finger on the trigger! Now!

The stuff that we miss in the movies

Mazzymagik — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:58:57 +0000

For some reason I can only add one picture at a time not the same effect really.

Hey, Samarai Warrior, what time is it?

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

The man assumed that the woman might have a cold, but was curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you ,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded,

'Black Pepper.

Hillbilly Dawgs

Mazzymagik — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 05:45:18 +0000

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

Mazzymagik — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 13:47:44 +0000

I LOVE YOU!!

YOU HAVE 20 MINUTES TO TELL
10 FRIENDS THAT YOU LOVE THEM
(INCLUDING ME) Because
TOMORROW'S NOT PROMISED.

SO I LOVE YOU! GO!

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

Little Old Lady

Mazzymagik — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:00:12 +0000

Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 76 years old.

Defence Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words,

what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defence Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to touch my breasts.

Defence Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I certainly did not!

Defence Attorney:

Whyever not?

Little Old Lady:

His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

An Australian Poem

Mazzymagik — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:02:35 +0000

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far.
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks.

Bad Virus this One

Mazzymagik — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:57:37 +0000

Sorry every one I just cant get this to go big enough