LeeBraham blog on Absolute Radio

New joke of the day ....

LeeBraham — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:36:00 +0100

>>AnIrishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
>>"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if yawoot".
>>So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
>>"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged uphere."
>>Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
>>£10 pound note appears.
>>
>>"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me todo?"
>>"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
>>The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
>>and another and another, etc....
>>
>>Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
>>"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out ofinterest,
>>How moch was in dare den?"
>>The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
>>"£1,990 exactly."
>>"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
>> I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist

LeeBraham — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 14:09:00 +0100

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at
the
woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately
told
her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast
cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place."

Why you never question a Drunk

LeeBraham — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 16:50:00 +0100

Why you never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the

following
A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce
A 1 kilo can of coffee

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by

the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the

Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my

elections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,

"Cause you're ugly."

The Tax Man and the Rabbi

LeeBraham — Fri, 04 May 2007 15:56:00 +0100

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck."

I have just won tickets to see the ROLLING STONES!!

LeeBraham — Fri, 04 May 2007 11:34:00 +0100

So I just received a call from Virgin Radio, telling me I have just won tickets to the Isle of White festival to see the Rolling Stones.... OMG I cant beleive this has just happened.... what a brill start to the weekend... I am well over the moon - I can't even see it in the rear view mirror...This is why I listen to Virgin Radio..... yeeeeaaaaaaaaaah baby. Wooooo

Always listen to the full story first......

LeeBraham — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 12:40:00 +0100

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Funny but.....Tr...Hmmn

LeeBraham — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 15:46:00 +0100

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Maxed my Kudos Pt 2

LeeBraham — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:26:00 +0000

I just maxed my Kudos typing that email..... you could not make this up.... I will max it again for this email...

Maxing out my Kudos......what the hell...

LeeBraham — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:23:00 +0000

On my to the ol virgin VIP of the day seems to be harder than I thought, I keep on listening, entering competitions, sending the ol occasional SHOUT, doing small talk with people from where ever and all of a sudden Bleep Bleep bleep bleep YOU HAVE MAXED YOUR KUDOS FOR TOADY...... how can that be I am just typing away on me ol Lappy checking out this site..... every day I see some one is the VIP of the day Damn it... Oh well I guess I'll keep doing what I'm doing.... SURFING THE OL SITE CHECKING OUT MUSO STUFF.... I made the top 400 pukka

Paddy buys a Bath

LeeBraham — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 22:22:00 +0000

paddy buys a bath takes it back next day complaining... THE WATER KEEPS RUNNING OUT.. the manager says did u buy a plug?

PADDY SAYS, you u Bastard you never told me it was electric...,,,

A Koala and a little Lizard

LeeBraham — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 21:08:00 +0000

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says "Fucccccccccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Nearly 1 Thousand not to Shabby but still.....

LeeBraham — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 12:21:00 +0000

I can’t believe I have nearly 1 thousand people have viewed my site... I have been with Bebo for about a year and My space for over a year and if I put them both together I would reckon I only have about 50 views and I'm probably over exaggerating on that number too. but still after all those guy's and girls that viewed I have only 3 friend s and they work for Virgin and more likely did it just for their numbers or the good ol sympathy friend when you start, still better than Tom @ myspace he only wrote once and nothing from Bebo. Maybe a good ol picture of my T might do the trick.. huh I pitty the fool me?

Round house

LeeBraham — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 17:18:00 +0000

Hi is ther any one out there who would like to GIVE me to tickets to the Doors on NYE - I would like that very much - send all replies to this email addy - I'll get the Beers in no worries on that one? yeah many thanks L.