LatinRum blog on Absolute Radio

New Dictionary Word

LatinRum — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:25:32 +0000

Electile

Dysfunction: the

inability to become

aroused over any of the

choices for president put

forth by either party in

the 2008 election year.

old joke

LatinRum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:34:41 +0000

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,...

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

Mexican love story

LatinRum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:00:44 +0000

Maria, a beautiful Latina, fell in love with
Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so
Happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell
her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find
another man."

Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is
your half-brother". So Maria forgot about Jose,
and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling
papa again, he said, "Maria otra vez, there's trouble
still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please
don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are
your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama.
Mama already knew and said "Mi hija, do what makes
you happy. Marry Ricardo or Jose, because you
are not related to Papa."

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY!!

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR'S E-MAILS ON THE COMPUTER

LatinRum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:26:29 +0000

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since it is a French store
and they don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get an outrageous
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my
car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR'S E-MAILS ON THE COMPUTER

LatinRum — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:25:48 +0000

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR'S E-MAILS ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since it is a French store
and they don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get an outrageous
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
$5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my
car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest
your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

An English Love Poem

LatinRum — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:59:53 +0000

(Who said British men aren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top Notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can Get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the soccer's on
And fetch another beer!!

Vaseline Survey

LatinRum — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:23:33 +0000

Vaseline Survey:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...
My husband and I put it on the
door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke!

Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down

LatinRum — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 13:31:47 +0000

....by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!

Date Rape Drug

LatinRum — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 14:22:49 +0000

Date Rape Drug (be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simpl y ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo

Women's Ass Size Study

LatinRum — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 14:12:27 +0000

Women's Ass size study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

Quick Joke!!!

LatinRum — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 02:17:55 +0000

Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?"

The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy
for 12 hours."

Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"

The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks,

"Well, how'd it go?"

In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show up."

Quick Joke!!!

LatinRum — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 21:21:34 +0000

One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!"

Table for sale!!!

LatinRum — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:29:03 +0000

How can you tell this table is being sold by a man?
And don't cheat either!! It's not hard to tell!!

This table was for sale on eBay. How can you tell it is being sold by a man?
Can you solve this little riddle? First look and guess.
You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!
Know the answer?
If not, scroll down now.....

OK, Look in the mirror.
Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wide web, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture. I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD ...AND IT WAS POSTED ON eBay!!!

Spoiled!!!!!!!

LatinRum — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 19:13:50 +0000

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! !

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways

yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter .with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
imagination! ! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You cou ld only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to
use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!

FUN FACTS

LatinRum — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:08:01 +0000

A TRUE FACT.... Only in America ......
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America ......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America ......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ----