Kentguy71 blog on Absolute Radio

THE ROBOT

Kentguy71 — Wed, 23 May 2007 18:25:31 +0100

A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed.
A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "130."
So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on.
The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool."

Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on.
The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "80." The robot says: "So, how are West Ham doing these days?"

BLIND FAITH

Kentguy71 — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:08:53 +0100

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'

Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, ( TAKE NOTE LADIES ) along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'

'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Kentguy71 — Wed, 23 May 2007 14:40:47 +0100

A small boy is separated from his father at a football match, so he goes up to a policeman and says, "I've lost my dad!"
"What's he like?" the copper enquires.

"Beer and loose women…"

Courses Women Should take

Kentguy71 — Tue, 22 May 2007 18:09:36 +0100

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN acquire

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

Introduction to Parking

Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

Water Retention: Fact or Fat

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

PMS: Your Problem... Not His

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

TV Remotes: For Men Only

CASANOVA

Kentguy71 — Tue, 22 May 2007 17:01:06 +0100

A 16-year-old boy comes home and tells his father, “Dad, I had my first blow job today.”

Dad is delighted. He thinks his son is going to be a world class Casanova. “How did it feel?” asks Dad.

“Not too bad,” replies the son, “But my jaw aches like hell, and it doesn’t half leave a taste in your mouth.”

The Doctor

Kentguy71 — Tue, 22 May 2007 15:34:47 +0100

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard, you're a veterinarian."

BIRTHDAY SEX

Kentguy71 — Tue, 22 May 2007 13:25:34 +0100

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Kentguy71 — Mon, 21 May 2007 17:14:29 +0100

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

Beware the salary advance

Kentguy71 — Mon, 21 May 2007 16:06:25 +0100

A penis writes to his employer…
Dear Sir,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I don't get weekends and public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in dark places that have poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours sincerely,
Penis

His employer replies…
Dear Penis,
After considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons. You never work eight hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take the initiative: you need to be stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace messy at the end of your shift. You do not always observe the necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You regularly leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And, as if that were not enough, you have been continually entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Yours sincerely,
The Management

ASYLUM QUESTIONS

Kentguy71 — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:43:58 +0100

A visitor at an asylum asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," says the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," says the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," says the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

Taking Flight !!

Kentguy71 — Fri, 18 May 2007 14:31:22 +0100

A man takes a seat on an aeroplane. Settled in, he sees a strikingly beautiful woman boarding. To his delight, she takes the seat beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he says,
“Business trip or holiday?”
She smiles and says, “Business – the annual sex convention in New York.”
The man swallows hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he asks,
“What’s your role at the convention then?”
“Lecturer,” she responds. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” the man says. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” the woman explains, “one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed, when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indians. Another misconception is that Frenchmen are the world’s best lovers, when in fact men of Jewish descent are the best in bed. We have, however, found that the best overall lovers are the rednecks from South America.”
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. “I’m really sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man says. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”

Pick Up Lines

Kentguy71 — Fri, 18 May 2007 12:45:48 +0100

Does anyone actually use these now or when they were dating ?

1. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

2. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.

4. If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

5. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

6. I like every bone in your body especially mine.

7. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

8. When does your centerfold come out.

9. I've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

10. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

11. If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

12. Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

13. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

14. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

15. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

16. I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

17. Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

COMEDY INSTRUCTION LABELS

Kentguy71 — Fri, 18 May 2007 08:34:57 +0100

The following instruction labels, warnings and extraordinary snippets of small print have all appeared on real-life products:

WARNING ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands"

LABEL ON A PACKET OF SUPERMARKET PEANUTS:
"Warning: Contains nuts"

LABEL ON A HOTEL SHOWER CAP:
"Fits one head"

WARNING PRINTED ON SLEEP AID NYTOL:
"May cause drowsiness"

PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM OF A TIRAMISU:
"Do not turn upside down"

ON A BOTTLE OF CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery"

ON A BAR OF BRAND SOAP:
"Directions: Use like regular soap"

WARNING ON A MICROWAVE PORTION OF BREAD PUDDING:
"Product will be hot after heating"

INSTRUCTION ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
"Not to be used for the other use"

ON THE PACKAGING OF A NEW IRON:
"Do not iron clothes on body"

ON A BAG OF KNOWN-BRAND CRISPS:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside"

ON CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
"For indoor or outdoor use only"

SERVING SUGGESTION ON FROZEN DINNER:
"Defrost"

SMALL PRINT ON THE SIDE OF A HAIR DRYER:
"Do not use while sleeping"

INSTRUCTIONS ON A PACKET OF AIRLINE NUTS:
"Open packet, eat nuts"

WARNING ON A HOT APPLE PIE PACKET:
"Caution contents hot"

Last one from me

Kentguy71 — Thu, 17 May 2007 16:19:03 +0100

IMPOSSIBLE REQUEST

A man is walking along a California beach deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouds over and God's voice booms out, "Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."
The man thinks for a while before answering, "I would like you to build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
God replies, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. It will require a huge amount of manpower and materials. Plus, the ecological impact could be huge. I could not perform such a feat for such a materialistic task. Take a little more time and try to think of something that is less materialistic and will honour and glorify me."
The man considers this for a long time, before eventually answering, "Lord, I wish I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent. Why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong, Most of all, I want to know how I can make her truly happy."
Says God "How many lanes do you think you'll want on that bridge?"

HURRICANE WOMAN

Kentguy71 — Thu, 17 May 2007 15:17:58 +0100

Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?

.
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.