Groovydaz36 blog on Absolute Radio

Olympic Pride - Beijing 2008

Groovydaz36 — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 08:21:44 +0100

All that glitters is not gold,

You bask in the glow of present glory,

We remember tanks in the square,

You grasp with greed for gold,

We recall the flow of red,

You tell us that you’ve changed,

We retort “Free Tibet”.

You ask for our trust,

You yearn for our trade,

Your façade shiny and new,

Our suspicions deep and true,

All that glitters is not gold.

Crocodile & Chicken

Groovydaz36 — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:12:19 +0100

A guy walks into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him and says to the puzzled looking barman "I'll have a whisky and soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a rum n' coke on the rocks." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "Thats incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk"
And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

Crocodile & Chicken

Groovydaz36 — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:05:57 +0100

DOG

Groovydaz36 — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:04:18 +0100

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whisky. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time."

Worst Joke Ever! (But I'm trying to find worse)

Groovydaz36 — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:03:10 +0100

Q: What did the nose say at the audition?

A: Pick me, pick me!!

Lincoln

Groovydaz36 — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 07:58:31 +0100

Hi Folks,

Going to Lincoln tomorrow for a day out. Can anyone recommend anything nice for me to visit whilst I'm there?

Good morning you lovely VIPS.

Little Billy

Groovydaz36 — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:11:11 +0100

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks his dad what is Love Juice?

Dad looked horrified then sat down and gave Billy a long and frank talk about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

When he finished dad asked Billy what he had been watching.

Billy replied Wimbledon.

S&M

Groovydaz36 — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:04:56 +0100

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

BMW

Groovydaz36 — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:02:51 +0100

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price."

Polar Bear

Groovydaz36 — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 08:18:09 +0100

A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “Can I have a gin and……………………………………….tonic please.” The barman says, “Why the big pause?” The polar bear shrugs and says, “I dunno I was born with them…..”

HEHE

Groovydaz36 — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 08:16:24 +0100

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize
that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo
and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories
came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."

....Scroll down

(You're going to love this.....)

.....Scroll down

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

Apologies to Scousers....

Groovydaz36 — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 10:14:26 +0100

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've
just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll
have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You
also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

Wimbledon

Groovydaz36 — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 10:07:53 +0100

A man walks into the first aid room at wimbledon.

MAN: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

2 Hunters

Groovydaz36 — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 10:04:36 +0100

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Monastery Life

Groovydaz36 — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 09:57:29 +0100

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...

CELEB"R"ATE !!!"