Bellis blog on Absolute Radio

Should such honesty be rewarded? :-)

Bellis — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:59:00 +0100

Womens & Mens love poems

Bellis — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 16:56:00 +0100

Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Men's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh1t.

Silly signs

Bellis — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:08:00 +0100

A whole bunch here I'd not seen before. I particularly love the first one - and the noodle bar....

http://news.sky.com/skynews/picture_gallery/0,,91251-1318059,00.html

Ways I've found to amuse myself while I search for my lounge...

Bellis — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:46:00 +0100

Job application

Bellis — Tue, 20 May 2008 13:36:00 +0100

Wish I had the nerve to do this. Apparently from a 75 year old applying to B&Q. True? Who cares - it's funny! :-)

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny…

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director.
But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30pm.
Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulous wealthy Swedish supermodel with big breasts and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO BE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Oh yes, absolutely

***Old people rock!!***

The needs of men and women

Bellis — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:26:00 +0100

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 64 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 64 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 64 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you, that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

New exercise regime for women for 2008

Bellis — Wed, 14 May 2008 11:17:00 +0100

Here's one that every female can do.

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your GP before starting any exercise programme.

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a chocolate.

:-D

What band were you in as a teenager?

Bellis — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:57:00 +0100

I don't mean really - I mean those times when you were stood in front of the bedroom mirror/ in the shower/ wherever, singing along to some fab tune and struting your funky stuff in front of thousands of adoring fans.

I have to confess I was in Bananarama for most of my teen years - LOL!

What I want in a man

Bellis — Mon, 12 May 2008 12:01:00 +0100

What I Want in a Man (age 31)

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 41).

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 51).

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to re-arrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 61).

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 71) .

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 81).

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

The bottle of wine

Bellis — Sat, 10 May 2008 12:49:00 +0100

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

A store that sells husbands

Bellis — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:07:00 +0100

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second
floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!

A little game to drive you everso slightly insane....

Bellis — Wed, 07 May 2008 10:31:00 +0100

Whack the Penguin...

http://www.birdcheck.co.uk/whackthepenguin.htm

Enjoy!

:-D

A balanced diet?

Bellis — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:37:00 +0100

I have a large, straight, Southen Comfort on one side of the laptop and a bowl of black olives on the other.

Does that count as balanced...?

Funny - or true...?

Bellis — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:24:00 +0100

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"

The Cat Empire

Bellis — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:11:00 +0100

'Discovered' these guys recently. Aussie bunch - fun, up tempo and great music. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vW7eLX2EXc